Rescue Journal

perspectives in rescue

Alison  ·  Feb. 10, 2007

reality is something that sometimes is best ignored, and sometimes all depends on where you are going.... part of the reason i survive doing what i am doing is because i carefully construct a reality that i like. and i have 2 realities, the painful one that is hard and hurtful and difficult and most times makes me angry, insane or hurt so bad that i just want to scream. and the one that i carefully construct that is full of kindness, compassion, hope and dreams. and i am very protective of the one that i built. because in order to keep it safe, i have to understand where it comes from. and it comes from darkness.

everyday saints is invaded by the sadness, hurt, anger, selfishness and needing of others. it crosses all species and none are immune. it's source could be the animals or their humans when they walk thru our gates. the source could be inside us, the ones already here, if we are having a bad day or week or year. always i feel it as soon as it appears and if it is coming from inside me, it scares me more than from anywhere else. but wherever it is coming from, my antenna goes up and the alarms start to ring. and good lord give me some help here because i am not good at this. i have a concrete anology for all the things i can't see, or touch, for the dangers around us that come from inside.

it is like knowing there is a possible fire brewing in your manure pile and looking at choices...ignore it and watch it and hope it doesn't blow up, burning down the barn with the animals all in it. hoping you can wait it out til it smolders itself out because apparently manure piles sometimes do this.

or..... bring in the heavy euipment, and write the big cheque but get it the heck away from here because the fear and risk is not one you are willing to live with.

and there are consequences to each action. one could possibly but unlikely, be death, but also financial and emotional ones like ridicule and the fallout of ignoring the thoughts, needs and opinions of others which always carries a big price tag too.

at the end of the day if you decide like i did, to get it all taken really never know the answer of rightness or wrongness of that decision because you weren't willing to see that one way thru to find out.

i am a fixer and a do'er. i have a really healthly respect for both actual real life fires and emotional ones too (my neighbors barn burnt down last fall, killing all of their animals and i have been proverbally burnt pretty badly inside me before too) so alot of my decision making process is based in fear.

and i know this is at the back of my decisions. and i want answer and guide books that tell me each step of the way how to deal effectively and safely with danger and threat, both from inside, outside, concrete or floating around in the air. and fate made me a fix'er and a do'er, and a bull in a china shop to boot. it didn't make me a know'er or a statesperson, or a soothsee'er, just a person with alot on the line, every second of every day.

fate should have given me more. but it at least it gave me the ability to fabricate a reality that i most times like.