i felt sad for most, (ok... all) of today

but sadness aside, there were some special moments. i adore ellie mae. i think she might have known i was sad because she was especially gentle and kind to me today. she helped eva clean the chickens water buckets, eva cleaned and filled them and ellie picked them up and tossed them around. then she went and helped greg build the new small barn. she played with his air gun hose thing and helped herself to some of his tools. when i came out to check on the progress, she laid very quietly with me and let me rub her ears. i love the way she stares at me with just one eye, listening carefully to everything i say.

ugly betty is not feeling well today. firstly she has a scrape under her eye that i am not sure how she got it but i am worried that it might have been clyde. but more than that she has developed a very faint parkinson's like head tremble and her breathing is a bit faster than usual. i am afraid that she may have had a small stroke, i forget that betty is really quite old because mostly she is a pain in the ass. anyway, today she and i fully bonded. i am feeling sad and soft and she was grateful for my concern and focused attention today.

gideon just about killed me again. my fault, not his. i turned my back on the open barn door to secure swinger and spritely in their stalls for the night. i told gideon to wait (i actually think like a dumbo, i said "stay") whatever i said, he decided not to listen and tried to rush past the other two's stalls while i was in his way. it is amazing how much it hurts to be thrown up against a wooden wall when you aren't expecting it.

dexter and i spent a bit of time alone down in the bottom pasture (maude was busy running, phoebe was busy flying, cole was busy skulking, and rocky and tally were busy being doornobs). one on one time with dex is great. he rubs his head against you and then sits quietly at your side. he sits so tall and straight and lifts his head to stare off into the distance and looks so very majestic and proud. then the others busy-ness just has to be investigated and off he goes to see what they are up to, tail wagging, head still up high, he is a full and everything there is about being a real dog.

so, fourteen losses in just over 8 weeks, several more still yet to come. this morning as i carried wilbur's body to the car, for the very first time since this all began, i thought "i don't want to do this anymore"