that i used to work with in a different shelter. she said...and i quote " every time i see you, you look more and more beautiful"
wasn't that a nice thing to hear...and she wasn't lying even tho beautiful is pretty far away from me. she was seeing inside me and remembered what i used to be.
which was bone weary tired of the politics in rescue, every second of every day.
and i am still bone weary tired but it is not the same. mostly gone now is the politics and the fighting and the ego-battles that surround rescue every day. now except for a few bad days (when i stupidly peek to see what is happening outside our gate,) i am tired from working my ass off and that is a cleaner, fresher tired. it doesn't leave you feeling dirty and afraid.
this is the real beauty of being way out in gawd-knows-where and creating a fortress of goodness with a very high gate. everyone is welcome to come here, but the ones who stay, have never ending and overflowing pockets of goodness and kindness that they freely sprinkle around our guys.
i felt beautiful inside me today because of where i happen to live, surrounded by good and pure hearted beings who always are real and honest, even on the bad days.
cole is forever a cop, even when he is sweet and seeking a cuddle. and copper is a selfish brat even when he is being good. swinger doesn't change and everyone knows it, he doesn't pretend to be someone's friend and then bite them in the butt and chicklet is forever our sybil, even when she is having a nap cuz we just have to wait for her to wake up.
do you know how refreshing and safe it is to live in a place like this? and every volunteer who is here right now is exactly the same in all the best ways.
we are who we are, we know where we are weak and where we are strong and we all know each other and accept us as we are and that is a very good thing.
several years ago i walked away from the bullshit world where what was said was what mattered the most, even if it happened to be untrue. and i walked into a world where words mean next to nothing and actions mean the world. i walked about a month after my daughter said i looked dead. it was the very best walk i have ever taken and i regret not a single step.
i still get tired because the work is hard and i still get frustrated by the untruths out there, but i never get tired of holding hook or sweet pea in my arms and seeing ellie and pete smile right back at me. i never get tired of the stories the volunteers tell me of their adventures while they were here. i never get tired of seeing someone else's hand, gently stroke a saintly face. and tired just flies away from me when i see phoebe sitting with her special friends and knowing right down to the tip of my toes that they love her as much as she loves them too.
rescue is about the animals and everyone in rescue knows and says this is true. but it is not and it never has been because mostly we say what we ourselves want to hear and what we want to believe. and i am no different in this regard, it is a faulty human trait.
and i believe that there is a goodness that surrounds me and all of the people who volunteer here...a small part of it comes from the best parts inside ourselves...and all the rest comes right from the hearts that we save.
that is what i think my friend saw today, my happiness at being part of saints.