i try to be real careful not to keep score. i think the day i start sitting on my ass and listing every and anything i can find in a closet or recycle into something on my plus side is the day i better just pack it all in. i believe that whatever i did yesterday, i did yesterday so it no longer counts cuz it is pretty darn easy to inflate all of yesterdays to make today seem worthwhile.
i remember all of the animals i have stepped up for...it goes back alot of years but they don't accumulate in value just because i want them to accumulate the value in me. i don't want to be a saint or a prophet, or someone's idol or hero...why should i care all that much about what value strangers place on me? it is the value i place on myself that counts and i can't carry that over from the day before, i have to find it myself each brand new day.
this kind of scares me cuz what if i get lazy and just want it because i think i deserve it? what if i think it just belongs to me because i did once something that could be viewed as good or great? well then i turn into what i fear most, a pretender, not something i have alot of respect for so i try not to head down that path. i keep running lists in my head...ok...there are only two lists that i have...the one that i did ok on (not great cuz great is too big for me, but ok i am comfortable with) and one that i am ashamed of and i know i could have done better if i had really tried....clyde is not the only animal on that list. and that is the list i re-visit when i have time, to figure out how not to let it get any longer cuz i don't like that list all that much so i want it to stay as little as i can.
it is a strange place that i find myself in...some animal lovers think i am great, some animal lovers think i am ok and some animal lovers think i out and out suck. on a good day it makes me chuckle, esp. the sucking part. because i do really suck on occasion, but not for any of the reasons that others think. so i chuckle cuz they might have gotten the right answer but they got it for all of the wrong reasons and that kind of right answer doesn't count. but i don't suck and i am not great just because this is what someone else happens to think...knowing this takes alot of pressure off because you don't feel the need to impress.
and i get to use a fair amount of my time listening to other people's resumes, they rescued the dog from the neighbor but now are moving so dump it here, they once did a nice thing for you but now it's a stab in the back...how often does the past excuse the present...not often i think ....how great thou art, how great aren't all of us...over and over again. but greatness i don't think is cataloged and dewie stamped for ease of reference day after day. so i try not to go there too often because i believe the best system for recalling greatness is to live it each and every day and then put it to rest when you go to bed and start over fresh the next day.
and this is why i can soldier on past all of the mistakes i make, i don't let the great things build a trap around me so i get stuck in the same empty place....once i walk past a place of shining light or utter darkness, it's gone. there is only what lies the next step ahead and i need to pay attention to now and not focus on way back when...unless of course i am map checking to stop from getting lost again.
how great art thou?...me? not all that great...today i did laundry and cleaned up old hay and washed a couple of floors, i went to the pharmacy and refiilled jewel's meds...but i did cuddle sissy again so she felt adorable for a moment so that is a solid ok for today.