it wasn't til last night that the real reality hit me...we were going to lose todd...i saw it plain and clear. up til that point, i honestly did not believe that we could possibly lose him....we were doing everything that could be done and i expected him to worry us for awhile but then rally and make it thru.
i just didn't get it...everything we did was so RIGHT. we righted the wrong that had torn him from his mom on the day of his birth and placed him at an auction, alone and facing certain death. we brought him home in the back of my van and we religously cared for him...every feeding, every medication, a dozen vet visits with ever appropriate and changing meds, treatments, IV's,...every single step we took was what was right and good for todd..no regard for expense or workload...just a total committment to do what was right because right had not been done by him before.
and this morning i did the last right thing..i called the vet to come and help him die.
i was expecting a fucking fairy tale out of this...that babe was supposed to live and thrive and grow old and never, ever know how lucky he was. he was to think all cows lived like he did, in comfort and happiness and peace. he was to feel that humans adored him and he was forever a benevolent, beloved prince.
i failed. not for lack of trying, not for lack of anything at all except god's gift of making a dying babe live.
percy was very distressed when carsons came for todd's body...he chased after the man dragging our poor babe away. he was stopped by the gate where he stood and bawled and bellowed for the lost calf being taken away.
joy tried to comfort him, percy did not want comfort, he wanted that babe back again.
percy has seen too much death...he knows it as well as the slaughter house cows.
how did i let that happen to him?