i like going up to the cottage..my mind gets to rest. when i am on my own i spend a lot of time doing stuff...painting, staining, organizing, getting rid of the left overs from reno's, laundry, cleaning the leaves off the patio, sweeping and steam mopping the floors, making three actual meals, three times a day(what a concept!) and doing the dishes three times a day...it is busy body work, going from one planned physical task to the next...minus interruptions.
and i find my mind is silent there..not really thinking much beyond the simple tasks at hand...no juggling from one thought process to another and back, over and over again. i get to finish things there.
i think the very most exhausting thing about saints as a whole is the mexican jumping bean antics that my mind has to go thru. i bet i have dozens of important things to think about every day and they sift in and out as new things pop up that need thinking about too.
and so spending the last 24 hours with pepper, with lola in that quiet single mind space, actually makes their passing a little bit hard. i am able to focus just on them, connecting in an uninterrupted way with them and so at their moments of death..i keenly felt their loss.
i am really bad for spreading myself pretty thin...and while it was nice for pepper and lola to have me there a little bit thicker, there is a price attached to this.
how do i do this..how do i be present for so many deaths for all of these many years? the truth is i just do not have much time to wallow in sadness, there is too much else going on around me, there is the next one in line who needs something that i need to provide.
i am glad to be home tonight...i think i was missed...we have such a routine at night that has evolved over a very long time and the animals expect it. what is interesting tho is the routine that we have is dependent upon all of us...i lay a certain way on the bed so the bed buddies can lay in the places they like to lay best, i feed the cats at night in a different way then they are fed during the day because somehow or another, they let me know that they like how i feed them at night best. their routines, my routines. it has all blended together based on their needs and what works in keeping everyone content at night so i actually can get some down time and rest.
if my life wasn't complicated before with splitting myself between work and saints...adding trying to grab some downtime at the cottage into the mix, is not all that easy. so far both dionne and renee have each covered for me for a couple of sets of nights. brave little souls to be taking this on at night all alone. i bet they are happy my holidays are finally over for this year so no more overnights at the cottage for me at least until spring.
oh well..i can and will take some day trips..i still have a few tasks left to do before closing the cabin up for the winter. i will say that i think this place at the lake is good for me. i feel more at peace for some reason...most likely because my brain gets a a bit of a break now and then from the weight of responsibility. i am grateful for that.
my head is not so heavy tonight...it sucked to be always carrying a heavy head..the peace at the cottage helps to make it feel a little more light.
everyone needs a quiet place where thinking is not required...it can make the difference between a brain that is half empty or one that is still half full.