I spent most of today fighting off tears. Tears because of Peter, Daisy and Phil, because of the whole "can't have a bath or do laundry" thing, tears because relationships are so very complicated and so absolutely precious. I did cry when Chris gave me the gift to the bunnies from her and Deb, most people do not care about little homeless rabbits, but they do. I felt the tears coming 3 more times on the phone with Leila tonight, our discussion about that lobster that I ate and wished I didn't, Peter's ultimate outcome, and believe it or not, that I might have to stop eating chocoate and sugar because someone can't pay people a decent wage to harvest it. I told Leila about the Premarin horses, and now I can once again see them standing in their stalls with the cathetors and the dead foals and i want to cry some more.
I don't know why I feel so raw right now and i don't know why I am indulging myself in a spiraling vortex of powerlessness. All I know is I find myself filling with hopelessness in the infinite sadness of a world that at every bend and turn, never changes. I am bone tired of everything being so very difficult and requiring so much constant work and effort. And the more I list the things that are dragging me down, the heavier they seem. Ed is not here to remind me to keep my eye on the happy bouncing ball, and I guess I miss that little bugger too.
Tomorrow we are going to make a beer garden in the back yard, we are going to have a picnic, and eat the rest of the brownies. I am going to let all the dogs join us and Jazz is going to make me laugh again when she steals my food. And hopefully with the new week, the rain will come again and my faith in tomorrow may come back to where it belongs.