i went to sleep last night thinking about what it would be like to go to bed in a normal house with a couple of dogs and a couple of cats. i was trying to remember what that felt like. i remember actually having company for dinner and having a dining room, with an antique table, chairs, and china cabinate. heck i remember having special china for the holidays and for company too. there was my mothers paper thin crystal wine glasses that were treated with such absolute reverence that if my kids actually broke one, everyone would suck in that deep breath of disaster. i would tell them that it was ok, but in my mind i would count another precious heirloom lost to future generations, there was my great, great grandmothers glass cake plate that is passed to the oldest female of each generation (i got it by default because my oldest sister is childless and the next sister gave birth to boys). .. that stuff is all there, it is still at my old house, collecting dust in my old life. and maybe some day i will really retire and bring it all back into my life once again. or maybe not. i don't really miss it all that much. i sometimes miss the easy comfort of that life where comfort was easy. my daughter asked me what i wanted for christmas this year and i said some really, REALLY soft, scarves or socks, not just sort of soft, but really. really OMG soft. i said i was into really soft things this year, and she laughed and asked ok so why do you want soft so badly? and without even thinking, i said because i have no comfort in my life. now that was a telling remark. so being a smart person who deep down inside, knows my needs and when i really need them, i guess my craving for soft things is telling me something this year.
i am one of those people who fully believe in having your cake and eating it too. that is why my fridge and cupboards are full of cookies and treats, so i can eat them and have them at the same time. but sometimes you have to wait and build up the time and the space and the appreciation to really enjoy them. i guess that is what i am doing right now. 2004 was the conception of the dream, 2005 was the real beginning. 2006 was making the dream a reality for all of the animals. 2007 is for sharing that dream with others. i stopped dreaming past then, but last night i started again. 2008 is going to be my year for finding my comfort in all of this, my place where i can rest in comfort within this dream.
and that is why deams are so good for you. they give you hope, they give you purpose and they give you something to do to keep yourself busy and out of trouble for awhile. and while you are so busy dreaming one thing, you can dream of something else too. i see nothing wrong with having my cake and eating it too as long as i still share it with the animals cuz they like cake as much as i do.