it is not very often that i waste myself. where i drain out every little bit of everything and the only care or concern i keep is for the animals and me. i don't know if i could drain myself even further so that i stop caring for them too but i won't go there to find out. i feel hot today, almost feverish, with my headache just below the surface. both indications that these last few weeks are toasting me.
it is a bit of an eye opener when all of a sudden you find the off switch won't turn back on right now. i pretty much don't care right now about other peoples issues, sorrows and problems because i can't see past my own. i can feel that lack of concern and judgemental shortness welling up and what scares me even more is i really don't even feel like faking it til it comes back for real, which from past experience, i know that it will (once i take care of my own things)
the problem with rescue is it never ends. day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, someone, somewhere wants more out of you. sometimes it is little things, sometimes it is big, sometimes it is fair, and sometimes it is not. and always behind it all is the animals, driving you forward, making you give every single ounce of effort and then some too.
when i get angry and resentful, it is mostly at humans. even when the animals are driving me around the bend like phoebe is right now, i can still problem solve a solution, even if it is one i have been avoiding as a last resort. but people? man, there ain't no solutions. fix their problem, give them what they want or they get mad. end of story. just like i am mad about my floor. i am past negotiation, i am past playing fair and polite. i want that floor fixed and it will be because i will not let this go.
of course the difference is, the flooring company accepted a great deal of my money in return for that floor. as far as i know, no one has ever paid me personally for doing rescue, at least no human ever has. but yes, the animals do pay me regularly, which is why i still feel deep and genuine care for them.
odd world that i live in. one that hurts me in so many different ways. and one that brings me such joy.
the high speed up and down and all around, til you puke, then go for it again.
i must be insane.