michael and ruby so close to going, and tom is starting to crash today too. i was talking to kathy on the phone, how can i bear to lose three in a day or even in a week, and yet if i want them to die at home where they belong and feel safe, what do i do? ask the vet to make time for us on 3 different days when they are so very, very busy. and as horrible as it sounds, there is a reality here, each seperate euth house call, starts at $200 and that is before the actual cost of the euth and the after care of the body...three seperate calls, $600 when really $400 of that money could go back towards the vet bills for the ones who are still alive? it is hard to justify that one.
but....i have euth'd two at home on the same day before. daisy and peter the most recent. i hated it because i felt it wasn't fair to daisy. i loved her, i really did, but it was peter who broke my heart that day, it was peter whose passing tore right thru me. i felt like daisy got cheated because her loss was overshadowed by his.
is that what will happen on saturday? will ruby's loss be negated by michael and michael's by tom? i can't help that sometimes someone becomes so very special to me, it normally doesn't take away from the others except now. and do i risk when they are all so very, very close to the very, very end, trying to stretch it out over a few days, that one will end up in crises and not be able to die at home? oh that would be so terrible just because i was trying to have it all.
there is a practicality to rescue that i hate. there is a balancing of wants and needs and necessities and realities that makes it all so cold and heartless.
and really at the end of their day, what do they want? a peaceful and gentle and free from pain and fear ending so i better just suck it up and quit thinking about myself and how i would like it to be.
i guess i got my answers.