i don't think people realize how much guilt there is in rescue

last night i was crushed by it. today i am better because i figured a way to try to dig out of this particular pile. sometimes there is no way out, but today there is.

the thing about rescue, unique to especially here...is this is the last whistle stop along a very long road. there is no where else for them to go. it is here or it is dead and that means we all have to deal with it or someone has to die.

last night if i had had a vet visiting with a bottle of euthanol, clyde may very well of bitten the dust. and that just would have been another load of shitty guilt to carry, but i would have done it. cuz that little puke-oid is pushing the envelope of weighing one guilt against several others.

i have felt cody's unhappiness for the past several days. and she is quiet and contained about it but it is screaming out of her. she has been living in the big dog room, which is better for her. the beds are bigger and more accessible, the dogs are less chaotic and there is more space. but she is a dog who needs to be next to her human, so i have been trying to keep her with me as much as i can. so when i am finished all the running in and out of the day, i make her a soft bed in the kitchen and the cat room and let her hang around with me. i thought it was working fine...not.

last night after my bath, she wanted back in the big dog room, toot sweet. so i let her back in there and went to get her meds. i went in there to see her and as my hand touched her face, i saw blood on my finger tips. that freaking clyde had been chewing her ear when i wasn't looking....and she laid there and let him do it.

any of the other dogs would have made a noise of complaint and most of them would put that little beast right back in his place. but cody is a victim and sometimes victims just accept being hurt. i sat there and cried with her because i brought them both here where neither one of them belong. and right now there is no where else for either of them to go.

and that is the guilt in rescue, you take them because you have to or they are going to end up as dead and you try to make everyone happy but sometimes you can't or sometimes you can, but it takes some time to find the right way. and it is not just that clyde is a prick and cody just happens to be a victim, there is cleo to watch like a hawk, and carly who i have to figure out soon, and tang who likes to torment a 20 year old stripe and eva who put a ton of meds up where she likes to sleep (which i promise i will move when i get home tonight stripe), and dixie who wants me to leave the room before she will come in from the cold porch at night. it is packer who can't see them all jumping around him and happens to always get himself right in the middle of everyone trying to say hello. there is ruby who sometimes can't find a dry bed (this would be buddy's gross little trick) and tyra and lexie and mugsy who just want to spend more time with me, anywhere is fine, just let them follow me where ever i am.

anyone who thinks that rescue is a wonderful thing to do, needs to understand that it is a juggling act with alot of balls in the air. except you are not really juggling balls, you have animals with feelings and issues flying around up there in top speed....and the second you screw up or miss something and the second that one of them hits the ground, the resounding thump stops your heart dead in it's tracks and you freeze in horror at what you just stupidly did. then you try to pick them up as quick as you can, get them up there safely again, AND without dropping any of the others on their head while you are at it. sigh...it is a bit of an art.

anyway, sometime during the night, i percolated a plan. both of them are here now and that is not likely to change. and as much as i wanted to kill clyde last night, he can't help who he is. and i have an equal responsibility to both of them here...clyde may be a puke and cody a victim but i committed equally to caring for both.

i told cody i can fix this and just give me a chance to figure it out. all i need is my up and coming days off with some extra time to get it done. and i promise that she will be happier and she will feel safer and she will get to be with me more and without clyde anywhere near too.

and i am sorry that i have dropped her on her head, but i won't let it happen again.

ah yes...rescue does truly suck. but it will get better once i get this stuff done.