i just got back from dropping off packer and karen at the airport. i started to cry on the way home. not because i was sad about losing packer, not because i know how very difficult these next few hours and days are going to be for a blind little crippled beagle as he learns to adjust to his new and much improved life.
i was crying for me. i am so tired of being mad or sad or frightened. i am so tired of trying so hard to do this and falling so short every day. i am so tired of the utter hopelessness and sadness of senior and incontinent animals ever finding anything better than saints.
stan and dave from turtle gardens stopped in for a visit and a tour yesterday, they were making one of their weekly brutal 48 hour trips to bring a bunch of northern dogs down south to their new homes. and i saw the very same thing in them. the hurt and the defeat that comes from giving every ounce that you can and knowing that will never be enough and still trying...always trying to just be enough. and then when you start getting the shit kicked out of you because for all that you try, you just can't be what you always need to be.
there is no way any of us that have given up everything, every resemblence to normal or sane, can ever, ever succeed in rescue. there are too many of them and too few of us. every single time we try to keep to our limits, someone, somewhere is going to die. and really it should have been packer. saints was the absolute wrong place for a crippled and blind little beagle without a home. and do i feel good about the fact that i protected him and kept him safe til karen found him? honestly? no. i just feel guilty and sad that he ever even had to come here.
what is the answer? what are we all supposed to do? how do we as the rescuers stop the darkness and fear that overwhelms us while we do what we do?
today i just want to stop. i don't want to hurt anymore every day. i don't want to be crying in the early morning darkness on a twisty, winding road that scares the shit out of me.
i will be off line now for an undetermined amount of time...that worm is still going crazy and i will have to take my computer in somewhere today to get it out.
please whoever, when i come back again, wipe away all my anger and fear cuz i do not want to live like this anymore, i don;t want to be insane.