i can feel the panic rising... too many deaths again, too soon. i don't know what i expect when i deal with furry ticking time bombs. i think i know with my head as i dispense their medications and ferry them around to the vets that they are all sick and old and frail and not with us for very long.
but then i have this disconnect thing..that breaks the link from my brain to my heart. i love the little bastards exactly as they are. so...they seem almost normal to me, and normal doesn't just up and die. they hang around forever, like dexter and bill and sweet pea, i just keep expecting them to be here despite everything.
there are those who say i killed swinger, and today after weeks of guilt, i figured it out. i didn't kill him, i kept him alive and well and happy for a year and a half longer than anyone else would.
i don't kill any of them, their age and diseases do and that was the other thing i realized....i am never, ever going to win at this. one loss at a time, sometimes 3 in 4 days. they are all going to die on me because that is why they are here.
i will tell you quite frankly, the whole god damn thing sucks.