i can feel the panic rising... too many deaths again, too soon. i don't know what i expect when i deal with furry ticking time bombs. i think i know with my head as i dispense their medications and ferry them around to the vets that they are all sick and old and frail and not with us for very long.
but then i have this disconnect thing..that breaks the link from my brain to my heart. i love the little bastards exactly as they are. so...they seem almost normal to me, and normal doesn't just up and die. they hang around forever, like dexter and bill and sweet pea, i just keep expecting them to be here despite everything.
there are those who say i killed swinger, and today after weeks of guilt, i figured it out. i didn't kill him, i kept him alive and well and happy for a year and a half longer than anyone else would.
i don't kill any of them, their age and diseases do and that was the other thing i realized....i am never, ever going to win at this. one loss at a time, sometimes 3 in 4 days. they are all going to die on me because that is why they are here.
i will tell you quite frankly, the whole god damn thing sucks.
For those that say Swinger was killed , I know Carol did not kill Swinger, there was none of the toxic to horses stuff in the feed he got into ( chicken scratch vs Chicken feed used at poultry farms ) , I was there as soon as Carol called after finding him loose in the barn , there was still a lot of the feed all over the floor of the barn, so Carol must have found him very soon after he managed to undue 2 clips & the bolt on his stall door before letting himself out.. cause he didn't really get at that much. It was Swingers time & Carol is so correct in that she gave him, probably the best year & a half , of his entire life.
I knew Swinger 15 years ago & I can tell you SAINTS was a wonderful gift to him, his life prior to that was full of hard times & unforgiving humans . Carol I hope you truly have let go of any guilt you have, Swinger loved you & he loved being loved at SAINTS.