most of you have read alot of this blog...you have seen the ups and downs, the good days, the bad, and the utterly horrible too. you know how freaking hard this is for me sometimes (and yes, maybe for someone else it would be easier, nicer, cleaner, purer... but then they aren't me.)
and how much can people realistically expect of me? besides caring for the animals well? am i here to personally fulfill human needs? am i supposed to be like a human guru? (i hope i am not cuz i honestly suck at that kind of thing.)
more times than i can count i have been shoved up on a pedestal of someone else's making...and i will tell you when that pedestal starts rocking around (cuz i am squirming up there) and crashes to the ground... i always end up with a concussion and a bloody nose (it is not very attractive). this is probably why i am afraid of heights. and it is also why i share so much in this blog, so i don't end up there again, (just waiting for the next big fall)...the blog is supposed to keep me firmly planted in the ground which happens to be safer from my point of view.
do you know that this is a very real part of rescue? i am not the only person in rescue who feels exactly the same sometimes too. it is sometimes an assumption that all of me is up for grabs, if i can do this so well for the animals, i should be able to do it equally well for someone else too....except...here is the brutal honest truth.... i don't want to. i had 30 years of someone else's needs and i happen to like it better now....93 animals is way easier for me than one rocky and unhappy relationship. and it does somewhat frustrate me because while i have clearly said i will give myself completely to the animals but i never said i was available for anything else....and i am not available for anything else. (i am going to post this above the gate)
and i sound like such an ungrateful and ungiving hag when i write this because i really like people, i enjoy spending time with the people here. my best friends in the world are here. and today was such a very great day, tunie got brushed in the sun, the dogs rolled around in the dirt, the lawns got mowed, the americats had their room scrubbed from top to bottom, jed had a bath and sparky had her eye goop shaved. i want folks to come and enjoy themselves and i want them to help the animals enjoy themselves too. I am beholding to everyone who helps us, i am so utterly grateful for everything done and given to care for the animals and for the kindness's extended my way too.
but am i crazy or broken or ungrateful or uncaring or selfish or mean spirited if i draw the line at human emotional dependency on me? if i was a bigger person, a better person...well ok, then maybe...but i am not, i am a flawed and busy 50 yr old woman (yikes) whose mind, body and spirit is focused on 93 animals, my job, my family and paying the bills.
i truly don't think this is a bad thing (except for the being 50), to me it seems perfectly reasonable (49 was more reasonable). but maybe i am crazy in which case i might be wrong (except about the aging thing, i am right on about that), i am just not sure about the rest....am i supposed to be more than i am cuz holy crap man, i might be in big trouble?
This is the one great thing about getting older (i.e. hitting and moving past 50) -- I think we can be more authentic -- say what we want to say (including "no")without guilt. We do get more frazzled and worn down (understandably after a lifetime [or 30 years] of struggle) and others will cut a lot more slack with an older person, so milk it!!! I think you should take all the kind messages your friends wrote in the comments on May 5 to heart -- you are so loved!!! Kathy (Darla's ex-mom)