i dread the winter because it gets dark so early, it is hard to get everything finished. and i dread the lengthening light of spring and summer because until it is dark, the day is not done.
sigh...i think i am feeling trapped by the continuous growing walls of need. there is always someone, somewhere, needing something from me. there is no place to hide here, there is no place to walk away to where others can't follow. there is no real privacy that i never really wanted until lately. but i do want it today.
ahhh, the choices we make...they seem like such a good idea at the time until you reach that point of no return. and i don't really want to go back either, i just don't like where i am stuck and i am unsure of the path from here.
sooo, do i turn right or left? do i go up or down? do i create a distance, or do i give even more? i take 1 step forward, then i take a step back, i turn around in a circle, i haven't a clue which way to go next.
who would have thought that the changing light determines so many things...like... was this the road to freedom or was it a trick into a cage? if this is freedom, why do i no longer feel free?
and if this was really a trap set to catch me...did i set it? did the animals? or did people? and who holds the key?
i do i suppose, and that key gets ever so much heavier as i lug that sucker around. the responsibility weighs on me and sometimes drags me down. today i want to chuck it away and start screaming, "let me out, get away, i don't have the answer, i don't even know the question anymore"...i am as lost as everyone else is and i have a terrible sense of direction so i stay lost longer too.
it is a beautiful day out there today, it is pretty damn light out there too. and i am yearning for the darkness to return along with the peace that it brings. in the darkness, i know where i am supposed to be...inside with them, mopping up pee.
shit, i need to get back to work, thank god tomorrow is monday.
Maybe that is what you need Carol...A day away..or maybe two..no one is going to think the less and it might just give you a boost..maybe 3 or 5...they have respite for care givers whose spouses or parents they are full time caregivers too. The government recognizes that this is needed for the peace of mind and body health for these folks...so why not for you!!!