running a shelter or a sanctuary requires flexibility..i am not all that flexible in some things. i like things stable and predictable, i like things pleasant and safe. i have a comfort zone and i happen to like it in there. but sometimes when the rules start changing and my comfort zone starts shrinking, i find myself having to change along with it. not everyone likes this, esp. if they started the whole change. ripples in the pond are not always predictable, and cause and affect are sometimes quite surprising....maybe things would remain more predictable in a one-sided world but we don't happen to have one of those.
i have to re-think things all the time...the benefits and liabilities to saints...i weigh the pro's and con's, i try to see into the future and i look a little more critically into the past and present. i wonder if people can even conceive of what a difficult place it is to be in, day in and day out without end...i am responsible for the wellbeing of all of the animals, i am responsible for the wellbeing of saints as a whole. i am not allowed to be a real person and sometimes avoid or turn a blind eye to the things that are not in the best interests of my primary goals...i am not allowed to ignore my job just because it is uncomfortable sometimes.
if anyone asked what is the hardest part of running saints, it is this....the non negotiable necessity of always putting saints before everything else.... it makes me want to hide, it makes me sick to my stomach as i gear up to face what i just want to go away...i am a lily-livered coward forced by necessity to pretend to be brave.
and sadly i do not come across as a coward at all, and i don't come across as very brave...i come across exactly as i am...an unmoving, unfeeling hard-ass with only one thing in her head....cuz even tho the rest of the world is multi-sided, when i am here... i am not...i am only saints.