i was falling asleep while driving home from work today
Carol · Jun. 28, 2008
4:30 in the afternoon and i can't keep my eyes open and on the road. i started to cry when talking to nicole and zoe on my lunch break about mugsy and jeanette...i am just so bone weary tired and it is not just because jeanette can't get up and sparky had a stroke and mugsy died and i feel crushed by those responsibilities. there are unhappy donors whose tax receipts didn't arrive, people who come here without any notice at all and at the very worst of times, a legal battle to regain occupency of one of our buildings that we desperately need for storage that i made the mistake of renting out cheap as a favour when we didn't currently need it's use.
animals sick, animals dying, desperate animals trying to get in here every single day and i have to waste time and energy and money on lawyers and hearings for a building that i busted my ass and mortgaged my life to be able to own and use for the animals when needed and apparently i am not supposed to reclaim it for saints use for storage, i guess i am supposed to build an entirely new building for saints...it is just sickenly stupid.
i am so tired of being exhausted, i am so tired of being a caregiver, i am so tired of being a victim to selfish petty human greed and need. i am tired of being called a F'ing B' by those who i won't let walk all over me because the animals actually need me to stay upright...i am tired of people thinking we owe them something...if no one owes me anything for all that i do, then how could we possibly owe someone else for so much less?
where is the honor and kindness and fairness in life.... the simple clean act of giving and taking with fairness and honor?...why do humans just have to make things all dirty and above all why do they have to do that here and when we are struggling to care for the animals that no one else wants...including them?
that is what i am really tired of...humans that come into saints dream and try their damnest to turn into a nightmare for all of us here.
i swear to god i am so close to shutting this place down and letting it fade away, i am so tired of everything....this is not burnout....this is a very deep and abiding anger and protest to the unfairness of it all and i am tired of feeling angry too....i want my peace back, i want to do my work in peace and harmony...that is the only thing here that truly belongs to me anyway.