i am going to tell you something that we sometimes want to keep hidden. it has to do with the dying of those we love and caring for them each day. there are times when it gets too hard, when the responsibility becomes too great....when you are asked to be bigger and greater and kinder and softer and smarter and stronger than even superman. and there are moments when you just want it to end, you want the end to rush quicker to wipe out both of your suffering and fear, you and the one that you care for.
i felt like that when my mother was dying, i felt it again while caring for wee hopeful bug... i have felt it over the past couple of weeks with jeanette, wanting the hope to stop, wanting to just give up and say...it is over, for both of us now.
i sometimes have this discussion with the families who are near the end of their rope...they love the person dying so very much and they secretly wish for them to just die. i tell them the story of when my mom was dying and i had been up with her all night long..it was late afternoon and i thought her pain was finally under control and i had fallen asleep on the couch a few feet away from her. in my sleep i heard her start to moan, i couldn't get up to help her...her moaning got stronger and more frequent and that terrible thought sliced thru my brain. i jumped up right away and i helped her, i was so sick at myself for wishing her to die. i have never forgotten i felt that and i watch for other caregiving families who are feeling the guilty same shame...and i tell them that i felt like that when my mother was dying and i didn't mean it, i just wanted her and me to finally be at peace....i wanted both of our suffering to end.
i am going to ask the vets to come tomorrow morning and give jeanette another IV pain med...i am not sure if she needs it but i am not taking the chance that she has pain breaking thru the oral bute, it is a burden of possibility that neither of us has to bear...they can come and give her a really good pain dose so i don't have to worry about that anymore. i wish i knew then when i was caring for my mother what i know today...part of loving them and giving them everything you have inside you when they are most vulnerable, means stripping yourself absolutely bare, pulling out all the stops and finding that everything happening to you and to them is just so much bigger than any human can easily bear.
my utmost respect to all end of life caregivers, esp. family members who deeply love...the journey is exhausting and brutal and fraught with human frailties and fears but what an absolute gift for the one at the end of life....sharing the journey with someone who loves them standing right at their side.
i thought i would share this in case someone ever feels the same way...we are not uncaring or unkind or evil for feeling this sometimes, we are just powerless humans trying our best to help a loved one pass peacefully away from this life....it is a huge responsibility and it is also incredibly hard.