kai

you'd have to see and sit with this little guy to get a real feeling for the difficulties he feels.

he is so thin and frail, his spine is hunched and the vertabrae stick out. his eyes are cloudy, his hearing is muffled, he was so obviously confused and so very unwell. just eating the canned food he so wants to eat sends him into violent torments of repeated sneezing and bashing his nose on the floor. every time a hand would come close, he would whip around and snap. he wanders and circles and doesn't connect.
he had to be in pain and driven mad by feeling so vulnerable.

that was basically the past two weeks with small improvements here and there. some good antibiotics, some good pain control, a little trial and error and we might be on the right road. his nasal bleeding has stopped, he is brighter and more alert, he connects enough now to wag his tail when he smells my familiar foot. i can gently scratch his head and today he had a brief cuddle with carrie. but the torture of watching him WANT to eat, and TRYING to eat canned food with his fear of the painful, torturous sneezing has not improved.

he has not gone to the clinic yet...he goes on tuesday and i am worried that it is still too soon. the exam and the tests he needs are going to send him over the edge...but, i can't wait any longer, it has to be done so at least we know what we are dealing with.

tonight i am sitting on the floor and hand feeding him bits of AD and he starts sneezing immediately. and i notice the canned food coming out of his nose....hmmm, nasal tumour invading the soft palate? an abcessed tooth with a large fistual that reaches into his nasal cavity?

and if soft mush can get up there...can a small but more solid kibble?

soooo...i mix the AD with small kibble and i hold it out to him and he takes it and swallows, he waits for that awful sneezing attack...and it doesn't appear. i fed him some more, and same exact thing, he swallows, looks for a second that he might but in the end he doesn't sneeze. i fed him the whole bowl, it is the first good full meal he has had and he didn't suffer while having it either.

he has wandered off to the cat room and found a comfy bed in squirts crate. he is getting his blankets just right and rubbing his head.

we have the abx's that are helping the infection, we have the pain meds to control any pain, we now have the way to feed him comfortably so he never feels hungry or afraid to eat.

maybe on tuesday, he can manage his fear at the vet, maybe the vet can tell us what else he needs to finish what we have started....helping kai come back from the terrible place he has been so he can begin to enjoy a few things around him.

hope floats til it sinks...and today i am hoping that maybe kai will want to keep living.

suffering...such a heart wrenching word to hear and see and to have to live. we all suffer at some point some great and horrible thing...the question becomes, is the suffering redeemable, can we make it go away? for kai i hope so, i am loving that little wrecked guy and i want him to have the gift of suffering coming to an end (in a happy way.)

kai did not reach this level of suffering in a very short time...it has been growing and building over months to years. it is unrealistic to think we can make it go away in a day or a week or maybe even two....but in three or four? maybe that is enough time to work towards undoing the damage he has endured.

i am remembering jewel and her suffering too, more than three weeks it took to dismantle her suffering too, i came so close to putting her down...she is happy and we now get to suffer her happiness...which is very loud...i want to suffer kai's happiness soon too i just hope it is quieter than jewels!