i spent most of yesterday in a hazy daze.
Carol · Jun. 21, 2009
too little sleep, too much thinking and worrying...the day was a bit of a blur. and it was a long day ...i went to bed at midnight and slept a few hours and then got up and started cleaning..i pretty much had the basic house stuff done except for the big dog room, by the time the troops arrived. the day continued on from there til i finished the last diabetic at 8pm and then i fell straight to sleep.
i almost missed spot's euthanization..i went to town to pick up the food for lunch and was stuck in some kind of frozen time warp. i didn't have my cell phone, i didn't have a watch and my brain was comfortably sitting at around 10 am. when i pulled into the driveway in the real world time of 11:15...everyone was in a panic...the vet and carsons were here to help spot to pass and where the hell was carol?...off in la la land.
anyway, they waited..i got here in time to hold and rub her head and tell her i really loved her. and then we helped her to pass away.
i feel really bad about this...like spot's gentle death was just another task to squeeze into a busy day...and it put me into a bit of a funk that i had trouble keeping a lid on for the rest of the day.
BUT...it was a good day...the dogs had fun and while it was only the regular saints folks. they got a lot of work done. dawn and her daughter cleaned up a ton of wasted hay, kathy and zoe and jenny made the big dog room sparkle, KO and her mom and her daughter washed the green slime off of the front fence and laura and lana did a bunch of the yard stuff, including fixing a falling fence, laura and daughter cleaned the mp building and made it nice in there, mo kept the dogs busy and cleaned up the bottom field, steve volunteered his day off to work on gilberts new pen (it is going to be great) and tammy came when she got off of work and brought us MORE food.
we had a lunch time picnic and a supper time barbacue..the dogs got their final run 6pm and then crashed for the night, thoroughly exhausted but content. (except cole..he still fussed when mo left)
not sure if i am completely out of my funk yet...not quite into forward motion this morning but happy to see the ground is a bit wet...maybe not enough rain for the upper field and well but better than nothing for sure.
anyway, the one thing i do know is...spot has been filling my heart and my head for several weeks now...she didn't drop out of my thoughts when she lifelessly dropped to the ground. and now i have this image of percy sniffing his friend and learning again that death has its own time.
anyway...guilt is no stranger and neither is feeling inadequately unworthy at times...i had my tears this morning for the loss of spot and my own limitations and now it is my time to move on and get thru another day.