i should be so grateful for all of the kind offers of help below...and i am...
Carol · Jul. 7, 2009
but i am also a really big baby and feeling sorry for myself tonight. my ankle, and knee and back are killing me and i am back to work tomorrow and am resentful that of my 3 weeks of holidays...i couldn't even get one day just for me.
saints is a bottomless pit of need..it sucks you in and sucks you dry and takes every single inch of whatever it is that you can possibly give...tonight, this just pisses me off. why can't it be quiet and peaceful and boring sometimes, why does there always have to be one more challenge to meet, one more thing that has to be done?
why do i have to be feeling guilty about asking for help to take a couple of days just to attend my son's wedding and spend some time with my visiting family?
because i am a freak and saints has made me a freak..it has turned me inside out and outside in and left me with a constant struggle to keep some semblence of normalacy. i don't want my brother and sisters to see saints when they come...i don't want them to see what i have done here. they are going to know what it cost me and think i am crazy and tonight i think i am.
i WANT to go back to work..i am so sick of working day in, day out from 6 am til midnight every single day of the week. i am sick of emails and phone calls and people showing up with more animals asking for help. i am sick of laundry and mopping up pee and those bloody, speedy, under your feet, little slaughter goats who are going to end up killing me.
i want to go back to work so my body can quit hurting and i can quit feeling like screaming at the animal dumping world. and i want to go back to work to actually do something else that has value besides all of the things that i keep doing over and over again here.
and i want to go back to work mostly so i can work 2 jobs and neither one can have all of me, just half of me cuz i like that better than the other way around.
but, even tho i want to go back to work..i am pissed that i didn't get a single freaking day off.
next set of holidays in sept..i am taking a few days off and spending the days (not the nights, i will come home and do my nightly things) in a hotel in mission just so i can get away from here, do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing to anyone at all.
(see scarlett o'hara on a sunset hill with a raised fist)..with god as my witness, i swear, i will have a day off to do NOTHING before the end of this year.
i am in a pissy mood tonight cuz my freaking body hurts...and i want a god damn new, non painful body and mostly, i really do just want one more day of holidays.