mostly i am ok with my life but every once in a while, i am consumed with longing.
i want a quiet and peaceful home with just me and my own few animals...(3 dogs, 2 cats)
the property across the street is for sale...i could buy that and build myself a small but normal home. but since all of my assets are wrapped up in saints, that won't ever happen.
so i console myself with pipe dreams..as i fall to sleep at night, i build my quiet home. it is made out of rich golden beams and colorful river rock, with a wide veranda that i can sit on and watch over saints in the deepening night.
today i had an hour break between clients so i went down to winners and i picked out the matching dishes i liked to fill my imaginary empty cupboards and i wandered around just touching beautifully soft things...i so miss comfort. a soft clean area rug underneath my bare feet, a shiny counter minus cats and all of the stuff they need. i even longingly gazed at pots and pans, lifted them and tested their weight and imagined cooking some day again. i picked up the thick and thirsty towels that have never been down on the floor to stop the urine from flowing under the shelves and the beds. so many fresh and soft things..it made my heart bleed with wanting.
i chose the soft comforter that could be on my bed...it could be thick and soft and stuffed so full because it would not need washing every night. i stuck my feet into soft slippers that did not have to have thick rubber made soles and i was consumed with longing for the life i used to know.
the animals live in today, but i sometimes have trouble not longing for yesterday.
and speaking of washing things...we finally killed the commercial washer...it lasted less than 2 years of 50 loads of heavy laundry every single week. had i known this was the case before i wandered around shopping for dreams, i would have spent that time more usefully...like picking out the next saintly washing machine destined to die.