almost 150 deaths in less than 4 years...
Carol · Oct. 13, 2009
i wonder, what do people think about that? do they think i am used to it now, that i don't feel it as deeply as i used to?
these guys here...they are my guys...each and every one. i live with them, care about them, worry about them, carry the responsibility for them...7 days a week, 365 days a year. the saints animals are my family, i opened my doors so they could come home.
i am not always crying when they die now..i think spritely took the last of my tears away...or maybe she just borrowed them and eventually they will come back again.
five animals lost in the past month....spritely, boo, marty, muffin and grammy.. 26 this year alone, 150 in total...can anyone believe that i can still feel loss when they go?
i wonder how i can still feel anything at all..not just the emptiness of their passing...but even loving them to begin with.
bobbie brown's ex home called today...they have decided they made a mistake and want to have him back. i wonder if they remember that they asked me how to go about putting him down when i originally said we were too full to take him. how would you change your mind about that mistake, once he was dead?
anyway..i said no. i love that cat and i want him to be happy. but i also want him to be safe and loved. i lose these guys so often and mostly there is nothing i can do about it because basically, they just reach the end of their road. but i can't even concieve of looking to make their roads shorter because they are no longer convenient or the timing is wrong.
how does someone you love become inconvenient?..someone someday can explain that to me.
all that i know is after 150 deaths of animals i gave over my life to, my tears may have run out.... but my caring for them, the memory of them, the want of them back again never seems to give up. i can feel grammy's wool beneath my fingers, i can see spritely's deep dark eyes, i can smell clyde and feel his warmth, boo is still perched on top of my stove and dexter can still make me smile.
here is the thing about death for me...it is a loss, it is irrevocable, it is eventually inevitable, but it is never nothing to me.
new incoming..an old, arthritic, no longer of use horse, soon to be homeless pig whose family are moving, and four birds who the landlord says have to get out, now.
here is the thing about end of the road rescue...they come and you learn to love them quickly...every single one...no picking favorites, no pretending you don't have to, that they just are not interesting enough to really know....no putting it off too long either...in the back and front of your mind is always .... they might soon be gone.
maybe i won't ever cry again...maybe i have cried enough for one lifetime. but this i do know...they come here to die because they have no where else to go. that alone makes them beyond precious to me.