struggling not to let sad thoughts overwhelm me.
Carol · Dec. 22, 2009
daffy, shadow, donny, felix, 4lane, jewel, cole...that is who i am currently big time freaking out about....bitsy, james bond, gideon, archie, rose, and max.....are hovering around close to my freaking out list.....plus the usual worrisome ones whose deaths aren't imminent but whose happiness or wellness is complex....apollo, doris, molly, murray, dusty, eddie, endora, bobbie brown, cali, ellie, petunia, and dixie chick....and the temporary sick ones...snickers, angie, charlie, and louise.
i was laying with the bed buddies but i had to leave...too much coming sadness in that room tonight for me...it is not much better here in the computer room..i should head out to the mp building but there is uneasiness out there too.
and here is the part that truly sucks...until these guys decide that they are done with this life..i worry about the others that are waiting for their miracle to come...the ones i know whose wait will maybe end unhappily before some of our guys go.
it conflicts me. i listen to daffy and shadow quietly coughing...knowing their time is so close and yet they rush to lay with me, they run over the others to lick my face, to play a gentle grab my feet game...making them cough even worse.
and i think...oh geez..they sound so awful...should i be thinking of letting them go? and then i see that they are just so happy...typical partying cockers, not once even considering that maybe this party might soon be over.
how do i deal with that? how do i hold those crapping out bodies and see the utter joy in their face? does felix have to be so freaking happy just to be flip flopping on the bed with me?
why can't they be like people and realize they are really sick?
if they only understood what was really happening to them... i could let them go...i could help them to find peace.
except...these guys think they have found peace...it is with my arms around them and a smile on my face...breathing easily doesn't matter to them...being with me does.
they are killing me, each and every one. there are too many right now that i am having to watch...i consider them carefully, i peer at and into them....i am waiting for them to tell me something that i am so afraid to miss...and am so afraid to hear.
and sometimes i forget to smile now..i forget that they just want to have fun and be loved. i feel like i have to for a moment at least...just run to somewhere else
i forget that my worry takes away from them the things they most want.....my absolute belief and assurence that everything in their world right now is really ok.
buck it up babe....you are pretty freaking lucky to love as many times in a day as you actually do....who said...love hurts?