cole got his knickers all in a knot again at 5:30...trying to get up but he still can't. cole is pretty vocal when he is upset..molly and squirt who were sleeping with him, joined right in, adding their panicked voice to his....no possibility of sleeping thru cole being in trouble again.
i think i have decided to let our cole go...i think parapalegia while feeling like he is on a rollar coaster ride from the rapid back and forth movement of his eyes...is not something he can tolerate without a guarantee that he will fully recover and it won't be a prolonged recovery.
so..for those of us who worship this lovely wanna-be wild dog...it is time to shift from worry and fear and soon to be loss to thinking about cole finally at the end of his journey, finally to be free of his totally wrecked body (which until yesterday, he could mostly ignore)
from the moment of his arrival, five years ago....cole was destined to stay here. his profound lack of bowel and bladder control doomed him forever to the ranks of saints living legends...the ones who despite disability, had great quality of life, but were forever unadoptable.
i remember cole eating right thru the walls of our old trailer because he wanted to be out...i remember him buggering off our five acres to check the nearby countryside out...i remember taking my eyes off him for a second and then trudging down our road calling for him and cole who was not deaf back then, running happily to greet me. i remember cole the boy who wanted to be a wolf but couldn't actually hurt anything... so badly wanting any one of our sheep to please just fall dead and lifeless conveniently at his feet. i remember the fun cop punishing any dog having a blast and i rememeber before he lost his hearing, seeing him running in terror from fireworks and thunder too.
i rememeber how utterly much cole hated being wet...the disgust in his eyes at the others while watching them splash thru the pond, his moarnful wails when bathtime came around. i remember his devotion to mo and even his second best love that he had for me...his joy on the weekends in the field/barn time and his anticipation of mp room or memorial garden time. i will forever rememeber the feel of cole's head, shoved deep up against me and his groans of content while buried inside my hands. i will remember that day we sat in the grass of the old buttercup field and he chose carrots stix over the cheezies....he made me smile every day from something about cole just being cole.
but mostly i will always remember looking up and seeing the wild wolf like dog skulking around in the bush and trees. my heart always stopped when suddenly i saw cole the silent and majestic wild dog, standing far away, under the trees, perusing his sainted territorry...looking every bit of the regal wolf that he thought he should be.
i love you cole...we all love you. safe journey today my friend, just a little while longer and you will finally and forever be the strong and free and the wild wolf you always wanted to be.