i have been at peace this week with my decision to let him go tomorrow. i am not so at peace tonight because he is an inch away from a crises that i am hoping doesn't actually show up but i am afraid of what may come sometime during the night.
when you think about felix...really...what an amazing little soul. the absolutely most wrecked tiny and frail little body that i have ever encountered with a spirit as big and strong as they can possibly grow.
felix humbles me. he finds such utter joy in life from the most simple and basic things...a kingsized bed with a crazy caring human being is all he ever needs.
he is blind, he is deaf, tonight he cannot possibly weigh more than 4 pounds. a deaf and foggy eyed bag of hairy bones who puts such effort into just breathing. and yet he is so connected to a gentle human touch...it makes everything right in his world so he doesn't worry about other things.
felix is teaching me to have faith in smaller things...it is not about money or knowing the answers to the meaning of life, it is just about the actual living.
i want felix's faith that all will always be well, that there are hands there to comfort and protect me and keep me safe from harm.
how does one find that simple and trusting faith that life is good and there is nothing to fear?
i have no idea but it gives me some kind of inner peace to see felix live that faith tonight and all of the nights until now....it means that this faith can happen somehow...if you can just find a way to really believe.
felix, the patron saint of blind and trusting faith...what an incredible gift of possibility.
a sweet and innocent yet fearless soul.