North is on his way...

nicole picked him up safely from the airport...she just called and said they will be here in about an hour. it gives me enough time to make a quick bite to eat and settle the mp building to bed.

i spent most of the day with daisy fae...i had her meds switched to injectible to stress her out less. i gave her sc lasix and torb before i left and jenn and brian have liquid meds to give her during the night if they think she needs more. i will go back in in the morning to give her next sc meds and the vet is coming to the house around 4.
brian said to me that he had been expecting he and daisy to have some warm and fuzzy moments once she got home. but daisy is too busy in the very beginning the dying process, she is starting to shut down and the meds are keeping her comfortably floating..i think all she really cares about right now is she is comfortable, she is safe and she is home.

dying is work...just like being born and living are. i think if given time and warning....the body, the mind and the soul have an internal plan when life is about to end.
i think there is a process in death, just like there is in birth that is natural and progressive...one step at a time.

in human deaths as nurses, we ensure our patients have the meds that they need to complete the process comfortably. in animal deaths, they are maybe luckier, if they are loved we help them along and we euthanize.
so for daisy-fae, we watch her, we help her with meds and we leave her alone when she wants to float and rest and tomorrow the vet will come and help her thru the last part of her journey.

both brian and jenn are worried that she might die on her own before then...i don't think that she will, i don't think she is that close yet....but if that tumour starts to bleed internally...she might fade away. but i am only 30 minutes away and for daisy, she has the meds on board to keep her comfortable if she does begin actively dying sooner than i think.

and this is the risk of home euthanizations...you can plan and book them as best you can but death has it's own timetable...the trick is to try to anticipate what they might need in the time between bringing them home and the vet coming to help them pass and try to have it on hand.

i did not think of the oral buprophenine for them to give for possible break thru discomfort inbetween the injectible doses, until the end of the day, so i called the clinic and brian picked it up on his way home...it gives all of us a sense of relief to know there is a second drug available and easily given if daisy-fae should need before morning...in home euthanizations good planning AND back up plans can help to prevent a crises.

there are two sides to allowing loved ones to die at home..there is the caregiver/caregiving side that takes preparation and planning, and there is the emotional side...we all deeply love daisy-fae, none of us want to lose her but now we don't have a choice in this. and so we have already started the grieving of eventual loss of her. couple with that the responsibility to ensure her death is comfortable and peaceful and all of the fear that we carry that something might go wrong before the vet gets there....it is a lot to carry and worry about. for jenn and brian, this will be the first time that they are the principal caregivers..they are now daisy's closest family members...they all live and love together in the very same home. part of me feels guilty for this, that i have to come home and care for the ones here...but a bigger part of me is proud of both of them that they have chosen to do this and follow this thru out of their deep and abiding love of daisy.

it is so hard...all of this....big hugs to them both....and of course...a very gentle but heart felt hug to daisy, she is at the very center of this all.