i finally took myself out of the bed and onto the couch around 330 and fell asleep sometime after that.
it wasn't any of the animals fault...altho i did find myself getting silently irritated with the dogs near the end...each position shift, each snore, each jingle of jazzy's collar seemed subtly intentional.... it was time to get out.
i couldn't sleep because i was worried..i was worried because inside i am a big weinie unsure of myself, a coward working myself up into an irrationale anxiety state. it started with maybe i should not have created such a fuss over the loss of saints money...maybe the real fault was my own for being stupidly trusting and paying in full in advance? maybe i am not smart or careful enough to be in charge of so many things around here? maybe really i should be the one that has to pay saints back? and that freaked me out because right now i just don't have it. then i took my worry even further and started getting scared...what if my stupidity reflects back badly on saints? what if someone tries to sue either me or saints? and then i crossed the line into freaked out crazy..what if like on all those dark scary crime shows on tv some one not even considered but hidden silent and deep, in this whole ugly mess decides to come here and hurt either the animals or me? shit..even more importantly... what if i really hurt someone else in this over stupid, not really all that important, man made paper money? money is the dirtiest thing ever invented by man.
and i wonder why i can't freaking sleep?
cuz here is the thing...everyone thinks i am this big, tough can handle everything and anything rescue lady and i am not. i am full of self doubt, self-recrimination, i am afraid of doing something not quite good enough or out and out wrong, and i guess i am afraid of non existent shadows on the wall and apparently i am afraid of living alone in the dark.
i wish i had never gotten the bright idea of getting cameras to keep everyone safe cuz last night i sure as hell didn't feel very safe...and whose fault is that?
just carol... the big weinie, cowardly idiot who thought herself bright enough to dick around with money and business things..when will i learn just to stick with dicking around with the animals..i think i am pretty ok with that.
someone get me some therapy (and a business minded assistent) please!