Rescue Journal

i did not sleep well last night...

Carol  ·  Apr. 14, 2012

i finally took myself out of the bed and onto the couch around 330 and fell asleep sometime after that.

it wasn't any of the animals fault...altho i did find myself getting silently irritated with the dogs near the end...each position shift, each snore, each jingle of jazzy's collar seemed subtly intentional.... it was time to get out.

i couldn't sleep because i was worried..i was worried because inside i am a big weinie unsure of myself, a coward working myself up into an irrationale anxiety state. it started with maybe i should not have created such a fuss over the loss of saints money...maybe the real fault was my own for being stupidly trusting and paying in full in advance? maybe i am not smart or careful enough to be in charge of so many things around here? maybe really i should be the one that has to pay saints back? and that freaked me out because right now i just don't have it. then i took my worry even further and started getting scared...what if my stupidity reflects back badly on saints? what if someone tries to sue either me or saints? and then i crossed the line into freaked out crazy..what if like on all those dark scary crime shows on tv some one not even considered but hidden silent and deep, in this whole ugly mess decides to come here and hurt either the animals or me? shit..even more importantly... what if i really hurt someone else in this over stupid, not really all that important, man made paper money? money is the dirtiest thing ever invented by man.

and i wonder why i can't freaking sleep?

cuz here is the thing...everyone thinks i am this big, tough can handle everything and anything rescue lady and i am not. i am full of self doubt, self-recrimination, i am afraid of doing something not quite good enough or out and out wrong, and i guess i am afraid of non existent shadows on the wall and apparently i am afraid of living alone in the dark.

i wish i had never gotten the bright idea of getting cameras to keep everyone safe cuz last night i sure as hell didn't feel very safe...and whose fault is that?

just carol... the big weinie, cowardly idiot who thought herself bright enough to dick around with money and business things..when will i learn just to stick with dicking around with the animals..i think i am pretty ok with that.

someone get me some therapy (and a business minded assistent) please!



If we don't fight back when we see wrong doing then evil wins. And in this case as long as there are business's out there who don't care about the people behind the sale and continue ripping them off they will keep on ripping them off. How many other families has this company took money from and then not delivered? In today's society guys like this succeed at wrong doing because most will not fight back as it becomes to much hassle and stress for the buyer. They will end up just taking the loss and fork out even more money to get it done right by someone else. What is even crazier about this is master manipulators will always end up making you feel like you did something wrong because there brother died, there friend died , there brother and there mother and there friend died , a check bounced on them , its on and on with the 'feel sorry for me " tactic. How many mechanics have worked on your car and then you ended up taking it somewhere else to get fixed? The "i will never go back" is how most of us will deal with being ripped off.. and that company will go on to new unsuspecting customers. There is a right and a wrong and if you don't know what your doing or have the means to deliver you shouldn't be selling it.


You have been way more than fair! They screwed up big time even after being contacted several times and had several months to figure their shit out..

I laughed out loud when I read about them wanting to keep $500 and pay back the rest in installments it sounded so ridiculous. My ideas about how I would like to handle them are not nearly as civilized as the proper route you took!

I will be making sure Brian's company NEVER does any business with them!!

elaine erickson

Angels arent supposed to have any worries .Sooo stop worrying and let it work itself out you are always thinking of others thats how this happened and you are a trusting person .Now just stop beating yourself up or they will be putting you in one of the cages there with the blind kids or the mean ones lol.Dont fret Carol it will all come out okay.

Grant Hayter-Menzies

Carol, you are doing what is right because you follow your heart to the right place - and I know you already know that if you need a counselor, you are surrounded by them: in the house, in the barn, on the bed :)

Ian & Mary

Do let us know how the 'free counselling' goes.... :)

Mary has been trying to send me for years!

Janice ter Borg

Hi Carol,
I just met you last weekend when i volunteered with my sister, Debra ter Borg. But I've been following SAINTS and supporting whenever I can because I believe in YOU and in SAINTS' mission. We ALL have doubts about ourselves at times. It's normal - we are human and NONE of us are perfect. Unfortunately women are raised to doubt our worth more than men. You do your best for the animals and that's 100% more than a lot of people do. PLEASE DO NOT let these asshats get to you. Try not to dwell on what has already happened - move forward to try to fix it, learn from it and let it go and stop ruminating about it. I am also a great believer in counselling - it's amazing to have an unbiased person help you to see through the fog/forest. A wise psychologist I once saw asked me if i would keep watching a horrible, terrifying movie over and over again. Of course i said no and she responded "then why do you keep ruminating and playing your bad experience over and over again in your head?" Take care of yourself Carol & know that we all support you!!


Eat oatmeal an hour before you go to bed - it helps.

Forget about the money - it's only money and this thing will get resolved.

Think about ways to reduce your expenses and create a plan.


Hi, Carol. You did ABSOLUTELY the right things in this mess! Do NOT second-guess yourself. You did what you had to do to protect the animals. Any conscientious business would have been on the phone either the same or the next day, so I'd say any public embarassment either of the afore-mentioned companies encounter, is absolutely, totally THEIR fault and not yours. I'm sure you are not the only person who has had issues with these companies. Pat yourself on the back from claiming back what was rightfully the SAINTS critters' money. You rock, Carol! Keep up the good work!!


I agree with what Mo said - and re Squirts's age (from previous blog) I have been volunteering at SAINTS almost 5 years, and Squirt came shortly after that, so he is over 9 yrs. now I guess? Wow, time does go fast! Glad to hear he is ok.


Carol, you did nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up. I understand your aversion to conflict and respect it, but there are a number of us who don't have that aversion and beating up on these low life companies is one way we can contribute.


Carol, I am a few years older than you (75) and unfortunately life does not get easier as we age. It seems as though people seem to think that we have lots of money that we won't miss if they rip us off. I have found this true at numerous retail outlets too. I am pleased that you did go to Steele on your side as she is a great lady who cares. Go easy on yourself, you did the right thing and NO ONE can fault you for that. God Bless.


The thing about you Carol that in despite of all these feelings (which i believe we all have ) you continue to move forward and face those demons...that is admiral Lol pun intended. You did the right thing and once you know what the right thing is hard not to do it.

Carol Jackson

Carol, do not let this get the better of you. Do you think the owner of ADT is up at night worrying about what he did to a Charity? I doubt it.
The only minor thing wrong that you did was pay in full before the job was done. THAT is no reason for them to "take the money and run", so to speak.
If you still work as an RN, we have FREE counselling services under Employee Assistance Program. It just changed so I can't give you their name. I truely believe in care for the caregiver and it is quite plain to see from your comments above that a session or 2 with the counselling serviice would help get you back on the right track.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Your heart is always in the right place.

Bunny Horne

Carol lots of "maybe"s in your blog. MAYBE you are just a human being. That's what the mind does, especially at night, go from some little what if to what if the most horrible thing happens to you and the Saints.
I'm quite certain that none of the volunteers, bloggers, etc would have championed the cause if it was ridiculous. I'm certain one of your readers would have said "suck it up".
You did nothing wrong. You went to the #1 security firm, who directed you to their #1 dealer in BC (according to the Admiral website). Steele on your Your Side thought you had a cause for complaint, the print media thought you had a cause for complaint.
Turn that frown upside down and think positively. You will get your money back in full end of story.
The economy is tough, it's not a good time for companies to screw over the consumer.
If it's simply a security system that you require installed so you can watch the SAINTS Costco has a lot of different systems on Costco.CA - frequently on coupon. We also have systems in-store. Purchase one of those and I'm sure we can find the manpower to successfully install them.
If you need some additional information on the systems we have I can extract it from the system next week when I am back in the office. In-store security systems are my category.


Carol, don't second-guess yourself on the camera thing. You did right. The whole thing was very bad business practice (on the part of ADT & Admiral). Admiral took your money and felt no obligation to follow through, for whatever reason. If they do that to Saints, who else will they (or are they) doing it to. I get the feeling they thought they could get away with it("only a little animal rescue centre, they won't come after us" kind of thing). And $3,000 is a lot of money. As you've pointed out, that was money from donors and supporters, and maybe some of those donors were sacrificing to send in what they could. I believe, just based on that, there was an obligation to make this public. I had a friend who gave thousands of dollars to an "immigration consultant" to help her with bringing her mother to Canada (she was a US citizen and very elderly). He scammed her and did nothing. She second-guessed what she should do, then reported him to the police. Turns out he scammed dozens of other people as well, and ended up in jail. These kinds of things need to be followed through on. You did good.