frozen silent with the words i want to say blocking any other possible words, like a log jam. and i try to figure out why is there that word jam that keeps me silent?
nicole forwarded me an email to answer from a super nice, caring, senior dog loving lady from back east. she wants to start a senior dog sanctuary and is asking for some advice.
what i want to say is..don't do it, run for the hills..either you will totally suck at it and screw up a bunch of old dogs lives....or.....you will be pretty good at it and totally screw up the rest of your own life.
i can't write her that..not the least bit helpful at all. and why the heck do i feel this very real need to say this anyway? i adore old and wrecked dogs and i am not unhappy living my life this way.
the email sits unanswered and when i have nothing else to worry about...i ponder why this is so.
maybe it is because i am afraid to be responsible for whatever choices she makes? maybe i am afraid that whatever words i finally get out may sway her either way.
her email was lovely..long, well written, compassionate and caring and there seemed to be a sweet innocence there.
my kids recently got their hands on a photo of me when i was nineteen....i was so young and pretty. i was thinking if someone had told me 35 years ago that when i was middle aged, i would one day be very competently nursing sick people and old animals and had a sanctuary like saints....i would have been so excited and happy for me. not only is it a great way to dedicate my life but even then, i loved being with animals as much as i possibly could.
so why do i wish i could go back 30 odd years and say...carol..don't even think it!
and i think it is this..i have learned to live past the dream of rescue and live in the reality. but the dream was so pretty, so pure, so innocent...so childlike and the adult version is different. it is harder, it is dirtier, it makes me feel incapable and inadequate frequently..i am filled with doubts, second guessing each thing...even an innocent email about starting a rescue dream.
i really should answer that email sometime today but i have no idea what to say...i don't regret this rescue road but i am not sure i should have gotten on it in the first place....maybe if i hadn't, i could still be more like that sweet and innocent nineteen year old where the reality of dreams seemed so beautiful and were luckily far away?