i cancelled esther's appointment yesterday cuz i still wasn't quite sure she was ready. and really..i don't think she is. she is stiill bright, she still REALLY enjoys food...if i could be with her 24 hours a day, i would be fine with that decision. but in the past 48 hours, she has gotten progressively weaker. this morning it is not just a matter of helping her to her feet and steadying her til her legs are seaworthy...today it was slinging her and fully supporting her while she went out to pee and then helping her right back to bed. i was up with her at 2 am feeding her milk and chocochip cookies...but i might not be able to do that, every night when i am working.
esther is now fully vulnerable...she needs someone with her to reposition and lift her, she needs someone here at her side to brighten her day with few extra treats...she needs someone to think that she might be thirsty and bring the cool water to her so she can drink.
today the vets are closed and then my next day off is saturday...six more days to worry. will the hands that go to lift her know how to do it softly and carefully so she feels safe? will fresh water several times a day, materialize before her? will a there be a little alarm that goes off in human heads that esther's bladder is probably full again or she needs to be properly repositioned and she might be feeling uncomfortable til someone helps?
cuz here is the thing...i am the nurse..this kind of thing is just second nature to me and sometimes even i do still get busy and forget about the passing of time while esther is patiently waiting.
i should have just sucked it up and taken her yesterday whether she was quite ready or not...what if a crises hits here, what if we have a sick call, what if folks get busy and forget....?
somedays i am so freaking stupid.....always looking for the exact right and perfect ending of life moment and really? there is no such thing.