Rescue Journal

thank you all for your kind words.

Carol  ·  Oct. 2, 2013

and I know everyone's heart is breaking over this...and again I am so sorry and ashamed that I did not prevent this.

the thing is...I knew lance crossed that invisible line, weeks ago when he got Elizabeth.

and I was too weak to do what had to be done. I thought if we could just build a high enough fence, lance and everyone else would be safe and I wouldn't have to kill him.

but I was wrong.

it was not the fence that was the issue. the problem was inside of lance and I should have known I could not build a high enough fence to fix what was broken inside of lance.

why is that so clear to me now? why wasn't it clear to me then?

I loved lance but I loved mini me more. it sounds horrid to say it but it is the truth. I have loved mini for a long time, lance was new.

I never would have kept him here if I thought he would grievously injure one of the other dogs. but I should have known. it wasn't prey drive that turned him on mini, like it was with Elizabeth. it was anxiety and when I came home and lance knew it, and i went into the mp building first instead of the house right away, lance lost his mind in the height of his anxiety and redirected that frustrated anxiety onto mini me. I should have seen it coming..i know they can redirect when they get too wound up and upset.

but I didn't.

I don't blame lance, lance was who he was...he couldn't control the terror inside him.

and I who should have figured this out, won't get a second chance for a do better do-over.

I will not break over this. I have added another terrible guilt, another horrible regret, another awful mistake to my growing fucked up pile and mini, lance, me and even you by your tears and heartache will pay for it .

I will not break because I cannot break, I am responsible for 100 other lives and breaking is not an option....but having to live with it is.

I am already committed to three more new animals. the new old dog is here and I do not even know her name. she arrived as I was running out the door. I left her in the entranceway where she would be safe. she is now safely settled into roxy's vacant pen I will try to do better by her tomorrow.

the rescue in LA is sending up owen, an ancient blind, deaf and incontinent cocker ..he leaves LA in the morning and should arrive here in a couple of days.

and I agreed to a three year old pet stunted, undersized jersey steer whose family has lost the acreage they were renting and can no longer keep him. they rescued him from death as a sick baby.

I said I would help these ones and I will.

but then I am least for now. I I will not risk any more unknown broken ones that may be more than I know how to safely care for. I need to take care of the ones who are here.

I am afraid to help any more new ones.

maybe one day I will find some courage again.

maybe one day mini and lance will forgive me, but I never will.



You do your human best and that is all you can do. There is no magic wand to wave and make the results of darkness, evil and worse, uncaring, go away. I can still see Liam draped limp in the SPCA officer's arms.
Sometimes the unseen damage to these animals is too deep to be undone. All you can do is try and hope and sometimes cry. You make a HUGE difference to these fractured lives.


You did what you thought was best Carol. And that is all any of us can ever do.


I still think you're amazing Carol. You can't be watching every Saints animal 24 hours of every day, and tragically these things can happen. Neither can you control the emotions of every animal every minute of every day. There are just some things that are out of your control, no matter how hard you try. Nothing anyone says right now will ease the guilt and heartbreak you're feeling, but please don't take all the blame on yourself. It's been a really tragic couple of weeks at Saints for you - please try to be gentle on yourself.

Ian and Mary

As we all know, hindsight is 20/20 Carol......apparently life always goes on as do the lives of the 100 souls at SAINTS who are there because of you and the volunteers.....