I have cried a lot of tears in the past couple of weeks...and in the past 24 hours.
it is what it is and it sucks.
bad things happen to good animals, to good people and good rescues. and I am not going to pretend that they don't. if I hide away from the facts, saints ultimately is doomed. these guys deserve the whole honest truth...not just parts of it, and not just the feel good.
mini me died as a direct result of decisions I made.
yes I was trying to do my best, no I did not intend for her to be hurt, yes I gave lance a chance as best as I could.
and despite all of that, it turned out so heartbreaking wrong.
the bottom line in rescue is...it is not the thought that counts, it is not the intention that gets honorable mention, it is not the dream or the fantasy or fairy tale that we want..it is the reality of what does in the end really happen.
if I can't face the reality, if I can't speak the god's honest truth, if I can't tell you that good animals sometimes die unfairly, unnecessarily in rescue..then what I am doing to them?
society has this fantasy...it is ok to dump your once loved pet out the door...a shelter will take him, a good Samaritan will find him, a rescue will save him. ok..maybe we will try and maybe we will give him the best dream of his life. but maybe some of them don't find what you think they will find.
maybe some of them will never find a new home, maybe they will die because no one wants them, maybe they will end up at a place like saints and like mini, will love me and this place...until another tortured soul gets in and in one single moment of terror...it all falls apart.
occasionally dogs die in communal shelters...no one may talk about it but it happens, in almost every single communal shelter out there. pack ups, mental meltdowns, high stress aggression, fireworks, thunderstorms, anything that can send a dog over the edge can make him turn on someone weak and it happens. animals die in almost every rescue and shelter...if they can't be managed, if they are not safe, if they can't be adopted or cost too much time and money, if they catch or are even just exposed some contagious virus sweeping thru...animals disappear.
no one talks about them except to maybe point fingers or fling accusations of what someone did wrong. and we by our hiding their deaths in fearful and guilty silence... consign them, their struggles, their pain and the value of just being themselves...to the thin air of nothingness.
when we fail them, we make them vanish. the invisible can't hurt us.
but it hurts them and the ones that come after. we keep putting forth the fantasy, that once rescue, animal welfare, the kind hearted cat lady is involved...everything will be alright.
its not all right. that animal does not have a home of its own. that animal may never find good home. that animal may have to accept the risks of living in a communal setting with other messed up animals, with over worked and over whelmed people trying to do the very best that they can humanly do...and those people are imperfect humans just like you.
stop breeding them. stop getting them if you are not going to commit to giving them a good home for the rest of their lives. stop lying to yourselves that offloading them on to someone else is better for them...get off your ass and you make their life better for them..do it.
and we, their saviors, have to stop hiding how hard that this is. that some of these animals are just not going to make it to the happy ending we want for them. that some days in rescue are so dark. and we are so lost in their broken minds, bodies and hearts,that we fear even the thought of having to step forward for more.
lance and mini, i love you. and i am so sorry that we lost you. and if i could take back yesterday and make it a whole different day, i would give anything, everything just for that....just one second chance.
but i can't.
society needs to know this...companion animals once born... deserve one single great and fully committed home for their entire lifetime...anything less is abuse.
no animal should ever need rescue. rescue is not the answer to their prayers...you were and you turned your back and left.
We can only do the best we can. Sometimes that means we fail. Sometimes, against all the odds, we win. I am so sorry for your pain right now, and while I know you will probably never fully let it go, I hope you can go on.
You are not alone, Carol.