i suppose i need to put mini to rest, i have been putting it off because i don't want to.
yesterday erin, tammy and Maggie spread mini's and lance's ashes in the memorial garden. i passed, just could not face a small group of sadness yet..one on one is hard enough.
in any case, i do need to accept that mini is gone and her death has left behind a great deal of pain, guilt and regret besides just my sadness of her loss.
i can't even remember where mini originally came from...i am thinking she was one of trina's CAC "little rotting dogs" but i am not sure, she was here for so long, her past became a bit of a blur. i named her mini me tongue in cheek because while her body was small...her personality was BIG. she was this ancient fuzzy little hamster who bossed me around constantly. for some reason she could do the first two steps up to the bed, but not the last third. she would stand there and bark non stop for hours if i let her....when she reached that second step, i was to get up and lift her onto the bed. that was the way she felt it should be in her world.
every night we had a routine...she was always the very last one come back in from her bedtime pee. then she would have a snack, a bit of a drink, and head up the steps when she was good and ready. once up, she waited for me to get settled and then would come and stand at my face for her goodnight kisses.
i did not kiss mini..she did not like that much..mini was the one who gave kisses. i was to pet her and rub her and touch her all over with my hands while she sat and enjoyed being loved. and when i stopped, she would stand up lean in and lick my face, over and over and over...like 20 times (it was kind of gross.) to get her to stop i would start petting her and rubbing her again and she would sit down enjoying the gentle hands until i got tired again. then up she stood, leaned in and licked some more...maybe she thought the licking wound up the battery of my petting her more. it was an unending circle of saying good night until after a dozen go arounds, i stopped doing my part. then she would wait for a few seconds to see if my hands would come back and when they didn't she would get up on her pillow next to my head and finally settle for sleep.
i have these memories of mini inside me...losing her in the bedroom somewhere and hearing her muffled bark to come "find me"..i was looking under blankets and beds but she had fallen into a deep empty laundry basket and it took me a few minutes to find her there. i see her riding around saints in a wheel barrow, i see her confidently walking into and taking over a studio for her bit on TV, i see her choosing only to go for field runs if she knew that i was going, otherwise, she was staying in bed.
mini wasn't a small presence here, she wasn't someone who was ever overlooked because of her miniscule size. she never got lost under the feet of the big dogs, she pushed herself forward so she was always first in front of my eyes.
mini loved me and i adored her...she made me laugh, she made me smile because there was just so much of her everywhere that i looked. don't ask me how an ancient little fuzzy partially blind toothless hamster had the personal power to take over my chaotic world but she did..i was the wheel that she exercised her love of life on....and for me...that was her gift.
i think in some ways mini became my hero...she took life, the good and the bad and she made it work for her. she didn't know that she was a victim of the fickleness of fate, she was the captain of her own ship and was confident in steering herself in calm or rough waters..she knew how to survive and thrive.
and maybe that is why the way that she died has torn me apart so badly. in the end she was powerless, she was a victim of this rescued life and i wasn't there to protect her.
mini me was a giant in my life and i will always miss her.
love you mini, maybe one day we will share kisses again in the next life.
rest easy mini , you are so greatly loved and missed.
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