ok...i found it, i think i can walk again.
Carol · Jan. 26, 2014
I do not know if you can actually live deep in the rescue world and not sometimes sink into bat shit crazy. it is a world of illusions and smokescreens where nothing is what it seems to be. you are not just unable to trust what you see and hear all around you, sometimes you lose the ability to trust what you feel and believe deep inside you and that is when it gets really weird.
a week ago I was pulling my car over inbetween clients and crying. when I got home I would care for the animals and sometimes cry inbetween them too. the only time I felt right inside was when I was actually busy caring for someone because then I knew exactly who I was and what I was doing.
I cannot function here as a wet soggy bag of hundreds of tears..it doesn't work. so I whip myself up into a rage to turn that fire of passion on again to get thru the day. if given a choice between sliding down the drain in defeat or suffering a few burns...i'll take getting burnt and go on to another day.
and I have no idea why it is so important to me to at least try to present this one single rescue story as unpainted and unvarnished as I can but it is. hah! maybe I have a death wish.
but these animals who surround me every day deserve at least some kind of feeble attempt at what their abandonment and eventual rescue means. its not something always beautiful, sometimes it is also ugly....its reality.
there is no sweet dream in rescue...the dream is what we want to see and mostly we all want to see pretty.
my pledge to each animal here was...my house, my paycheque, my time, my effort, my life, my mind, my heart and despite my flaws and limitations... whatever courage and strength I can find. but I never offered my soul. that's me inside those deep murky depths and I need me to be able to stand and cry and fall and stand again in the face of myself and this all.
I somehow forgot, rescue sucks.