And since I am feeling maudlin today and feel the need to wallow in self pity...
Alison · Oct. 16, 2006
here i go and please forgive me for the selfish indulgence.
any endeavor that requires a great deal of effort, requires a great deal of effort, and rescue is no different. what stuns me sometimes is the difficulty of it all, at times. the bone grinding exhaustion and the burdens of loss, worry, fear, guilt and responsibility is expected. it is the simple things that bring you to your knees, that hit you when you aren't looking, that suck your strength right out of you.
sometimes it is the premediated unkindness of others, sometimes it is human thoughtlessness, sometimes it is simple human nature. the inborn tendency that we have to think that there are simple answers to complex questions and outside viewing gives a realistic perspective. the "if only you just do this..." and all will be well. or "if you did it my way, it would be easier." i have to bite my tongue not to ask..."how do they know this since they don't do this?" but that would be unkind.
someone mentioned to me the other day that Spritely could be cured, there were testimonials of other horses with the same problem, and they were cured. I have been down this road so many times desperately seeking the magic cure in a bottle, from herbals to immune impregnated eggs, to noni juice, to homeopathics. It took me a long time to learn that if in fact there was any miracle cure in a bottle, everyone on earth would be using it. but still, at a time when i am freaking over the continued soreness in spritely's leg, the doubt begins, should i or shouldn't i? there are other more realistic and proven medical treatments i still want to try, like long term tetracycline. but what if i don't try what i don't believe in, and we lose her, how will i feel then?
And the barn tonight, which brought me to tears and then a moment later brought me to my knees in fear. first trying to squeeze just another couple of buckets of water from well, and rain barrel so they all can have enough to drink thru the night. their impatience to get into the barn as I told them to wait, let me get this done. and then suddenly, the explosion of a dozen shooting fireworks across the field, right over their heads and the panic as they all ran in fear into the dark. oh god, Spritely's leg, what if Gideon fell, and i couldn't see any of them or where they had gone. I yelled at the kids to please wait, let me get the horses into the barn, and the kids shouted back "sorry" and moved further down the road towards the school to set them off. closer to the dogs, closer to my neighbors horses out in their field. closer to that rabbit still loose in the school yard.
there is a not very nice person that i once encountered who's simplistic answer to overwhelmed rescuers was, "if you can't look after the ones you have, you have too many" a simple answer, but what if you can look after them on most days. but some days you are weak, or sore, or tired and some days there are firecrackers flying thru the sky, and somedays there is no water, or a huge, unexpected vet bill and no money, or numerous deaths in a short period of time, or really hard, emotional days at work, or a conflict with a friend or family member. what if on some days everything goes wrong or nothing goes right. what if on those days you have too many but on most days you have just the right amount. and how do you say on the good days, you cannot come here and we will not help you just because tomoorw might be hard?
it is the doubt that sucks me dry and it is fear that sometimes paralyzes me, and it is the burden of their well being and happiness that torments me. it is the expectations of myself and others that brings me low and days like today, simply suck.
ok, i am done, thx.