i told jean i didn't want to talk about this, but maybe i do.

baby jack and spritely are killing me.

i finally got baby jack to eat tonight and managed to get him up on his feet after 24 hours down. he had a couple of turns around inside the barn and then we put him to bed again. i cannot get my head around the fact that we may very well lose this absolutely, incredibly beautiful, young and healthy animal because we can't fix the weakness in his hind end. if he was a dog, we could do surgeries or hip replacements or who knows what other possible treatments to maintain his quality of life. farm vet medicine has not progressed to this point for sheep. they are farm products worth less then one hundred dollars on the hoof and these types of diagnostics, treaments and surgeries just aren't done. so what, are we going to lose him simply because sheep have no value? he has enormous value to me.

and spritely, just writing her name and the tears start flowing. she is worse today. she is in so much pain and she won't eat. i spoke with the vet and he will come again first thing tomorrow morning. he gave me "the talk" about not being able to fix this, and the increasingly frequency of her suffering. and so what again, am i to stand at her head and tell her i love her and then watch this beautifully lovely, and healthy in every other way animal, fall down dead at my feet? do i have to be compassionate to end a life that is so very, very special. i don't want to be kind to her. i just want her to stop hurting and why the hell can't a horse live with only three legs like a dog?

and why oh why did i ever start doing farm animals, i have to kill them for things that i would never have to end the life of a dog or a cat for. i help dying animals pass in peace, i don't kill healthy animals because they are in unredeemable suffering. we redeem the suffering of the smaller healthy animals, why can't we do it for the big guys too? i don't want to rescue farm animals anymore.