i am not sure how to deal with yesterday. except to accept it was hard and necessary. it was a really difficult day for tunie fish. she was angry, and frightened but yes, those feet needed to be done. for me, it doesn't matter if she screams or not, (altho i would rather she didn't) what mattered was that i stood by her while she did. and initially i didn't.
it will be a long time before i think about yesterday without seeing and hearing how she felt. tunie was very distressed and i was ashamed of my lapse in responsibilty for her. i am not so silly to think in the middle of tunie's extreme trauma she cared a whit if i was there or not. do the animals care in whose gentle arms they lay dying? i think they are concentrating on something else. and tunie was quite distracted yesterday desperately fighting, being frantic and angry and afraid. so did she know i let her down? of course not, she was busy. the point is committment and responsibility are not just for when they are noticed or appreciated or acknowledged, they are for whatever is needed no matter what. everyone here is here because the person committed to accepting responsibilty for them, disappeared on them somewhere along the way. maybe it was a thoughtless mistake like it was for me yesterday or maybe they just didn't care. it doesn't matter the reason just the absence.
tunie may be a drama queen but i have alot of respect for a pig that afraid and forgiving at the same time. and part of respect is standing beside her, easy or not, for as long as she is in my care. i didn't like yesterday and neither did tunie. but she had no choice and i made the wrong choice til i realized how very wrong it was.
it doesn't matter if my feelings of responsibility are the same as anyone elses. what matters is that i don't get lazy and weak and think my version of committment doesn't really matter, because it does.