i don't usually get angry when they go, but today i am struggling in and out with it.
Carol · Aug. 14, 2007
i was so angry tonight. i was mad that i wasn't here the second he needed me and was running stupid errands instead. i was angry that i had to leave him dead at one vets and drive to another vets to pick up clyde. i was pissed that i hadn't done the barn earlier and couldn't take the dogs for a run cuz i had to get it done and ben out for a run first. i was mad because our regular vet was not available and the one covering took his temperature and looked in his ears before telling me it was probably a stroke and his prognosis was poor. i was mad that he didn't get the pre-med cocktail i asked for and that i hadn't insisted that he did.
and mostly i was mad that the little cute dogs stand a chance at a real home but 100 pound homely, best dog in the world, bill, sat here for 7 years without one. i really am pissed at that.
and then i started thinking about bill. about how he was seventeen years old when he died, do you know that is about 105 human years? wow. and how he waited until after he had his lunch and his tim bits to pack it in. and how zoe and her friends stayed with him, comforting him, right to the very, very end.
i remembered him down in the field with me the other day, toddling along and eating grass under the tree. and i remember how many hearts that dog touched over the past seven years.
and i remembered so many years of him gracing my home and my heart and sharing his face as the face of saints. bill came before even the dream, he was one of the ones who put the dream in my head.
he is one of the ones who owns me, body and soul for the rest of my life.
every time i look up at his picture above my desk, i feel the tears start to flow. i cannot believe he just left like that. so quick, so fast. and really what did i expect? he was 105 for god's sake.
i think in my heart that i believed that bill would stay here with me. that he wouldn't leave me here without his face and his heart to remind me every time i looked at him, why i actually do this.
you hurt me today bill. i need you here on that futon and you left.