i woke up this morning with that sinking feeling in my gut. fall is coming and soon it will be winter. winter here is just a different kind of hard, but geez it is hard.
everything is just so much more difficult. the so much shorter days, the work that has to be done in the dark and the cold and the rain and the snow.
i don't want to go there again. i want to just stay here, now. i want a couple of hours after work, in the daylight to clean the barn and scoop and poop and run the dogs in the fields.
i don't want to worry again about everyone being warm enough, and will someone fall on the ice and get hurt, and how deep is the snow that buries the poop and that we have to trudge thru carrying water if the barn freezes again. i don't want to have to worry about the wet and the mold that builds up in the barn from too much moist breathing from too many animals.
summer is bad with volunteers away for vacation and so much more work that falls to me, but winters are worse because sometimes they can't get here and sometimes when i am at work 30 km away, if a storm hits, i worry that i won't get home too. oh, and what if i slip on ice and fall again and break something else?
why am i worrying about this on aug 26th, it is still a few months away? i worry because i can't see where spring and summer have gone, they just slipped away so very fast. and i can feel it coming, the fireplaces are on at night now, some of the sleeping animals are wrapped again in fleece.
i better figure out what i am going to do about that dead furnace. it is too hard to heat this place with heaters and the fireplaces. sigh, a new furnace is such a huge expense esp. if we convert from oil to natural gas. and it will majorly be disruptive to have to do with so many animals here right now.
winter brings a whole new set of challenges and truly i am currently challenged enough with decent weather, i don't want the winter ones too.
i feel the winter's dark and cold coming and today i feel afraid.