rainbow bright

so i had an absolute melt down this afternoon. i knew by then that rainbow was dying and true to my very controlling self, i had the whole thing all planned out. i took the afternoon off from work and booked her euth appointment for 3:30 which was the first available time. this gave me time to rush home and get the barn cleaned before the appointment so i wouldn't have to try cleaning it in the dark.

but then life as usual got in the way and when i got home there were other things that had to be done before the barn. and rainbow needed checking to make sure she was still comfortable too. i left her sleeping and wrapped in a soft baby fleece. so i did everything else that i had to (like feeding the little frail guys and the very impatient cats and mopping up the myraid of puddles of pee from raymond who was busy since trina had gone on home) and i got it all done in record time and hustled my butt outside.

the barn was a disaster and i was working as fast as i could and worrying about the time. cuz i wanted to spend some time with rainbow before i took her in to die.

and phoebe was screaming and clyde was shrieking and i knew the neighbors could make a complaint. but i wanted that barn done so i just worked even faster til finally i blew my top. i rushed into the dog yards and gave them all shit and slammed the doors after i locked them all inside the house. and i finished that barn and i got it all done and rainbow had already passed away.

the vet told me this morning that the bloodwork suggested a massive and aggressive form of cancer. i let go of my guilt cuz i hadn't missed something that could be fixed, like an infection or diabetes.

but then of course now i feel guilty cuz she died while i was shovelling shit.

rainbow was a good girl and she loved me alot. and she slept every night wrapped around my neck or my head. and she never bit anyone here, all she ever wanted was someone to hold her while she loved them the best that she could. and i couldn't do even that for her in the very end.

sometimes i hate saints, i hate all the work and i hate the choices i have to make, especially when i make the wrong ones. and i hate if they pass and are not in my arms because that is the biggest promise i make.

i came home from the vets after dropping off her body and cut rudy's teeth so he could eat. i cleaned the ameri-cats room and fed them their lunch and gave them all of their meds. by the time i was finished i was pretty much over my selfish and juvenile emotional extreme.

those cats calmed me down and i remembered what my job was, which is just to do the very best that i can.

good-bye rainbow bright, i will miss you in the dark of the night.