well...i have food in the house, my daughter is busy, and tomorrow i guess i go to the mall.
what shall i do, what shall i do ? oh! lets do some more teaching tonight.
Rescue 101 Part 2 "Ten Sure Fire Ways to Avoid going up in Flames"
Good evening class, I hope you had a good day.
Today we are going to learn 10 novel techniques to avoid becoming toast.
1. Try to keep your foot out of your mouth as much as you possibly can. Make certain you remove it as soon as you are aware that someone has noticed a foot in your mouth. If your foot is stuck in there and you can't get it out on your own, ask someone trustworthy to assist you.
2. Sadly, if you put it in there too often it will become a permanent fixture, the other rescuers will let it stay there because it cuts down on the noise.
3. Understand the difference between Rescuers. Despite popular opinion, senior rescue is not 4 or 5 or 6 year old rescuers, Senior Rescuers have been around a LONG time (way before me) and you don't EVER mess with those folks. They will clean your clock, have city officials scrambling to book early vacations, knock some loser on his ass and pick up 5 strays on the way back to their car....all in 10 minutes or less. (no disrespect intended ladies).
4. Be smart....try not to offer yourself up as a human sacrifice, that's just not too bright.
5. Learn how to line all of your ducks up in a row and put them in bullet proof vests.
6. Screw tattoos and piercings, they are a waste of your time....grow eyes into the back of your head (and install a smoke detector)
7. I beg your pardon for repeating part of lesson one, but the same holds true for here....choose your friends with utter care cuz shit splatters in all directions and it can spontaneously combust.
8. Get used to knives in your back, a real rescuer is tough. Those ladies I spoke about earlier tonight are sprouting more steel embedded in their backs than you or I have seen in a lifetime (they are handy for cleaning ones finger nails if you have to pop in quick and use the bank machine)
9. It is a good idea to have learned a few reality basics before you attend a rescue barbacue.
10. When you are standing knee deep in kindling and logs that are soaked in gasoline...DO NOT LIGHT A MATCH and very slowly back away.
But if some day you forget all of this and end up on a barbacue spit...you can always hope for life after death...that is why god created the Phoenix, sometimes he does grant us second chances.
Thank you for coming class, have a nice evening and see you soon.