Rescue Journal


Carol  ·  Jan. 4, 2008

i wonder when all the turmoil around me will settle down. turtle gardens, swingers death, renewed conflict with anything or anyone associated with me. i just get so freaking tired of it all sometimes.

what does it matter if i am really and truly an egomaniac? the animals probably don't care. and to the rescue world it matters not at all. what does it matter if some people don't like me or what i have to say? if they don't come to saints and if they don't read the blog it shouldn't interfer too much with their daily life. what does it matter if they don't like how i rescue? there is not a single animal here that someone else wanted to rescue cuz if there was, i would have let someone else have them..... but no one wanted them then or now.

it is so easy to raise doubts in other people's minds, just say it is all about the animals and you will be believed. throw out catch phrases like "ethical rescue" and "responsible rescue" "experienced rescue" and gee those are really great words.

and words do not mean a god damn thing. the anger directed at saints right now has nothing to do with animals at all. it has to do with me. i pissed on the turtle gardens massacre.

it is about power. plain and simple. and power comes from only one place...inside.

every time we get angry, every time we hurt someone, every time we digress into pettiness, or misdirect, or fabricate, exaggerate, or outright cheat, lie or steal... we give away our power. we give away our control over ourselves which is the only control we will ever have over anything or anyone.

do you know how much power there is to be had in hanging yourself naked on the public wall? alot.

and what does that power get you...some pretty interesting but not always fun things. like a sense of responsibility, and a sense of accountibilty, and a huge burden of personal obligation to the only real word in my vocabulary..."right."

this is not about hooting a blowhard is about being afraid to fall down with a whole bunch of friendly and not so friendly people watching and still being willing to fall down.

i have heard the rescue creed of accountibilty and transparency in all we do. and i happen to believe in it too but this creed is utter bullshit everywhere in rescue, because we hide everything, we hide ourselves. there are locked and private message boards, there are locked and private various lists, there are locked and private chat room groups. we re-write history so we were not responsible for some animal's death. we tell our stories so no one can see that we just climbed up from a very big fall. we do this because we do not want EVERYONE to hear what we say, we do not want EVERYONE to know certain things. we are now even putting disclaimers under our forum posts that say in effect that this is my own private opinion and does not reflect the opinions or beliefs of the rescue that i happen to run... because apparently we are not even willing to let our voices speak for ourselves (just in case someone sues us or stops donating money)

and i don't quite get this.....i am saints. saints at this point in time can not exist without me. everything i say and do is exactly a complete and total reflection of the opinions and beliefs of saints because we are one in the same. everything i do here, be it noble or utterly stupid, was done by little ole me.

am i an asset or a liability to saints? now THAT is an interesting question. i might think about that later.

but in any case...knocking me off won't give anyone my power, it lives and dies with me unless i give it away which i have no intention of doing because i happen to need it to survive.



Maybe just stop reading their blogs and forums. It's like putting earplugs in: blessed silence.

--This must all be on the rescue forum, to which I (thankfully) don't have access.

Sometimes I think we misuse the phrase "feeding frenzy." Usually I imagine it's like sharks: a drop of blood and the water boils. But in a case like this, I suddenly think maybe it's more like: every time someone contributes to one of those distorted conversations, those folks feed on it like a toxic bloom, like yeast. --Maybe instead we should be starving them out: weaning them off their addiction. Because I think in at least a few cases these people are totally addicted to the conflict, and the gossip. Gossip is, of course, one of the sweetest, most seductive, and most addictive poisons of all, and one of the most deadly--witness Turtle Gardens.

What would happen if everyone just swore off the lists? Anything? Would it be any worse than saying: I don't need cable TV? If there was a dog at stake, someone could make a phone call or send an e-mail. Otherwise, I'm not sure I see a downside.

I'm so glad you pissed on the Turtle Gardens massacre. No doubt the ant hill will stay all stirred up, carrying its little eggs to safety. The mob does not like to be deprived of a victim. Maybe just put your fingers in your ears and say "Lu Lu Lu Lu Lu" :-)