i wonder when all the turmoil around me will settle down. turtle gardens, swingers death, renewed conflict with anything or anyone associated with me. i just get so freaking tired of it all sometimes.
what does it matter if i am really and truly an egomaniac? the animals probably don't care. and to the rescue world it matters not at all. what does it matter if some people don't like me or what i have to say? if they don't come to saints and if they don't read the blog it shouldn't interfer too much with their daily life. what does it matter if they don't like how i rescue? there is not a single animal here that someone else wanted to rescue cuz if there was, i would have let someone else have them..... but no one wanted them then or now.
it is so easy to raise doubts in other people's minds, just say it is all about the animals and you will be believed. throw out catch phrases like "ethical rescue" and "responsible rescue" "experienced rescue" and gee those are really great words.
and words do not mean a god damn thing. the anger directed at saints right now has nothing to do with animals at all. it has to do with me. i pissed on the turtle gardens massacre.
it is about power. plain and simple. and power comes from only one place...inside.
every time we get angry, every time we hurt someone, every time we digress into pettiness, or misdirect, or fabricate, exaggerate, or outright cheat, lie or steal... we give away our power. we give away our control over ourselves which is the only control we will ever have over anything or anyone.
do you know how much power there is to be had in hanging yourself naked on the public wall? alot.
and what does that power get you...some pretty interesting but not always fun things. like a sense of responsibility, and a sense of accountibilty, and a huge burden of personal obligation to the only real word in my vocabulary..."right."
this is not about hooting a blowhard horn....it is about being afraid to fall down with a whole bunch of friendly and not so friendly people watching and still being willing to fall down.
i have heard the rescue creed of accountibilty and transparency in all we do. and i happen to believe in it too but this creed is utter bullshit everywhere in rescue, because we hide everything, we hide ourselves. there are locked and private message boards, there are locked and private various lists, there are locked and private chat room groups. we re-write history so we were not responsible for some animal's death. we tell our stories so no one can see that we just climbed up from a very big fall. we do this because we do not want EVERYONE to hear what we say, we do not want EVERYONE to know certain things. we are now even putting disclaimers under our forum posts that say in effect that this is my own private opinion and does not reflect the opinions or beliefs of the rescue that i happen to run... because apparently we are not even willing to let our voices speak for ourselves (just in case someone sues us or stops donating money)
and i don't quite get this.....i am saints. saints at this point in time can not exist without me. everything i say and do is exactly a complete and total reflection of the opinions and beliefs of saints because we are one in the same. everything i do here, be it noble or utterly stupid, was done by little ole me.
am i an asset or a liability to saints? now THAT is an interesting question. i might think about that later.
but in any case...knocking me off won't give anyone my power, it lives and dies with me unless i give it away which i have no intention of doing because i happen to need it to survive.