so last night i am laying in bed and my little mind is spinning. and i am thinking how utterly easy it is to prove myself crazy.
most of time i float along, totally content, a little bit eccentric, but not really, truly insane...but let something piss me off or really hurt me or someone i love and the lunacy pops in and takes over temporarily until that flaming fire burns itself out.
the problem of course is passion. and passion is critical to giving ones life to something. and passion can be kept in rein, most times, but not always. the issue is when it flames, what is left within the ashes? how much credibility did i lose? how much did i offend? in re-reading some of the posts, my guess would be alot.
this of course is the problem with the blog, i write to let things out and to share what is really here, good and bad with no pretense that perfection is a problem around here...and there ain't no pure little snow white fantasy about reality in rescue and angels with wings while i am hanging around. it is a fact of this life....i do sometimes lose my mind. in looking back thru the blog, i think it is interesting how quickly i usually find it again (it takes me way longer to find the cheque book or some missing receipt, that can take weeks.) i also find it interesting how forgiving most people are while i am having my fit...i want to say that i appreciate this, i feel as accepted and cared for as clyde does on his really bad days.
and knowing all this, i am unlikely to change because it is not in me to lie or pretend. i could not live with myself if i changed or held back the full story of what saints really means.
it means that here before you is a human with a bunch of flaws who works her heart out despite knowing this to get something done. and i do get it done, these guys are well cared for and loved and i will walk the edge of the cliff for them even if i am afraid to fall.
this may make me stupid, this may make me nutz, but it makes me something none of them have ever had before...someone who will walk that line for them no matter what. (and this someone will tell others about that scary cliff edge walk because they deserve that part of the truth too)
god gave me a good, pure heart, (he just forgot the rock solid brain part that keeps a heart like mine safe) but since it is not like you can go shopping before birth and pick out everything you need...i guess you just make do with what you get.