my hands are shaking, and i have a giant lump in my throat and i am trying not to cry (just in case a cleaner comes in.) i am still at work so this sucks. at least i am done seeing my clients and the office is empty. oh 9 pm, please come soon, i just want to go home.
i have decided tomorrow to end clyde's life. he had another rage episode today. it is not his fault, it is just another part of his misfiring, seizuring brain but i just cannot safely manage his sometimes violent illness anymore.
i love this dog, he sleeps in my arms most nights, he lays on me as we watch tv, he trusts me as much as he can trust anyone, which is not entirely, but almost. i wonder if i am the very first person that really loved him, and if i might be the first person he loved back again?....he is such a little frankenstein... but i hope he loved someone else before he got sick and his brain went ballistic... and i really hope that they loved him back too. maybe then i won't feel so bad, if for a time, he had a normal life with a real family who adored him and he felt it too.
there is a bond here that i am breaking, consciously, to keep the others safe. i am sick inside not only at the thought of losing him but ultimately, because i don't want to betray him this way.
i had hoped if this was how it was going to end, with his disease winning the war, that he would be seizuring and we would lose while still fighting, not with my surrendering because i am afraid.
i don't want to do this. and i am going to be sick. but i am going to do it because i just can't see any other way. there is no way to pretend that there is anything noble or good in this. it is just something horrible that has to be done because i am afraid of what will happen next time.... his life for their safety.
i am so sorry clyde.