when normal average folks live their daily lives..how much thought goes into it? cuz i have this thing (left over from my upbringing i suppose) that someone important is watching everything i do. so every time i would think to do something dishonest or unfair or unkind or untrue...i figured there was someone watching and i couldn't hide what i was up to.
this is why i wear my faults on my sleeve, cuz i am not about to be caught trying to hide the truth of whatever matter from an omnipotent who happened to be watching carefully and knows exactly what i did and why. maybe there isn't a "god" maybe i worry for naught. maybe i could just be a sleeze bag and no one would care. but maybe there is and if there is, whoever is not going to be the least bit interested in any bullshit story i try to weave.
i may have made alot of mistakes in my lifetime, but i have owned up to each and every one. i blame absolutely no one for my mistakes except the person who actually made the mistake and that's me.
and this is why i have so little tolerance for those who decorate the truth and use it to get off the hook...to me that is a cowardly act...do something, own it up...make a choice and stand by it...make a bargain and keep my side of it, always tell the truth even if i stand to lose cuz my word is my bond and if broken it is then worthless forever and i can never forget and stand tall again. and finally, never, absolutely never, creatively re-write history to bring myself up or another person down cuz that just brings me as low as can be.... i am always thinking, if someone just might be watching all of this, and i do wrong and then pretend i did not then i might be in some serious trouble for eternity.
weird, for all of my religous upbringing...this is what i got...not unquestionable faith but unquestionable fear that i would disappoint, or i would be untrue, or i would fall short, or i would not be worth the miracle that was supposed to be me.
so i was wondering...do average normal folks worry about this stuff like i do?
not sure i'm down with the concept of heaven.
but i think (and could be wrong) that people who stumble and make messes and deceits were somehow broken and not taught, or able, to be proud of their very selves. and there seems to be something fearful in those folks.
and instead of learning what it is to grow up, they stayed behind and hurt. and they can sometimes cause so much drama and damage.
part of the mosaic.
nobody is better or worse, just different.
so, the reward for integrity is the love around you. and the "reward" for the cowardly and cruel is the chaos around them.
(i think. but what do i know?)