you know that tight feeling you get in your solar plexis....?
Carol · Aug. 6, 2008
you know the one that tells you all is not right in your world?...actually what it really tells you is...you are dropping the balls.
i have that feeling right now and it is not about saints. it is about my paid, regular job that i too often let saints interfere with.
my performance review went really well last week, good things only, nothing bad to worry about. but that doesn't mean that i am unaware or off scott free from the responsibility of me evaluating me.
i have been trying really hard, not to be late anymore, and i have been pretty good at that lately since i got trina to start feeding the barn guys each morning.
but i still get alot of phone calls on my cell phone which in itself is not that big of a deal, except it keeps bringing saints forward when i need saints to hover quietly in the background. and i really have been distracted with all of the stresses of the past 8 weeks.
and the real issue of course is that i am trying to do two full time jobs and saints alone is way more than just a fulltime job, not easy under the best of circumstances and lately has not been the best.
and one of my friends at work today pointed out to me that i missed updating a couple of careplans...i do a good job out there but the nurses following me are not always sure what they are supposed to do if the careplan is not up to date and complete. this is kind of important and i need to remember to get to those too. i haven't filled out my mileage claims for more than a year, which my bosses don't care about cuz it saves them money, but i need to start doing it, the price of gas is going nutz.
so i feel a little bit crappy, cuz i haven't been doing my job as well as i could/should. and tonight i am thinking about how to create an isolated mind space far from saints when i am supposed to be concentrating on other things. it has to do with somehow fully investing every cell in me to the wellbeing of the animals and the smooth running of saints and then learning to turn it right off completely whenever i leave here to go to work.
so...what to do....what to do?
i have decreased my stress somewhat by paying off the tenant to leave. i have caught up on the banking and tax receipts and soon will deal with the storage crises. i am not taking in any new animals right now so i don't have to worry about fitting any more new ones in...the money thing is a constant worry and i will just have to accept that as a constant worry. i could turn off my phone but then no one could reach me in a crises. i could not come home at lunch and use the time to catch up on the paperwork on my desk which would save me some gas money and wear and tear on my van and decrease the rushing back and forth which is probably a very good thing. so there are some things i could do to make things work better i think.
the thing about rescue is it affects every single moment of your life and somehow you have to stop letting it do that before everything else falls apart.
so i have that tight uncomfortable feeling cuz i know i am not getting this all done with equally fair balance. the only way to make that feeling go away, is to acknowledge and recognize where i am falling down and then plan a solution to restore my balance again.
so much crap i have to think on, so many things i have to get right...i don't give a damn if i am mean to disney cuz disney couldn't survive a day in my real life....altho, come to think of it...his tossing the lemmons off the cliff on a treadmill idea might conveniently solve all my problems around here....(phoebe gets to go first, jewel and iky are second and third.)...sigh, i wish it was as easy as just tossing everyone off a very high cliff....or maybe i could conquer my fear of heights and take that long leap by myself.... i wonder when you are falling a very long way, if you find some peace and rightness along the way?
better go back to my earlier plan, i think anything to do with very high cliffs would probably just freak me out. so i won't answer my cell phone anymore unless the call is from here, no more coming home for lunch if i can help it, try to think more clearly and forget alot less and fill out my mileage claims before i leave for the day.
i may occasionally suck at stuff but at least i actually figure out that i suck. i think this is a very good thing.