i am so dedicated to sharing the ups and downs, the goods and bads in not only real rescue but in myself too. i have a few reasons for this.
the first one is...i just really and truly do not have the wit to live a lie day after day. at some point the real me and how i do rescue is going to show thru so why pretend otherwise?
the second reason is...i am so far from perfect in every single way and i start to squirm and feel dishonest as soon as the the words "saint" or "angel" come in to play.
but the last reason, i think is an important one...it is about respect. i think it is disrespectful to myself and the animals who struggle here every day to pretend everything including me is peachy keen and wrapped up all prettily when it is hard and dirty and not so nice on alot of days. that's what makes this place so utterly amazing, it is freaking incredibly hard and we still do it day after day.
saints has lost a few supporters over the years as we grew. people just want the happy story with the halos and wings and all of the frilly things to soften the way.
they don't want to hear that clyde had attacked little cuddles. they don't want to know that i left the hens scratch out in the barn. they don't want to see me in a pissy, vicious mood cuz i am over tired or getting beaten on again. they don't want to understand that while their donations help us take care of animals, it also adds a ton of extra paper work and we sometimes get way far behind. and they certainly don't want to know that i lose stuff, and i really do lose things (but not animals) alot.
people get mad because i forget that they called, or that they did a favor for saints at some point, they don't want to know that i can't remember jack shit or i forgot where i stuck yesterdays mail or i got mad at phoebe and called her a hag or that some cat (still unknown) actually peed on my bed.
i think i could make saints grow into a highly organized, sweet and fluffy, smoothly oiled, and public relations satisfying dream machine....but would it still be real? or would i then have to hide the not so great things that happen in rescue every day? would i then have to play the perfect game, that scares the crap out of me anyway?
i already get stress headaches from dealing with all of the BS, if i lived in denial and pretended none of it happens, would not my head just explode?
what both the animals and i go thru each day here in order to live our lives the best that we currently can, demands the gods honest truth i think. their hardship, my hardship is the price we all pay here because none of us are even close to perfect and neither is anywhere else in the world which is why we are all here in the first place.
speaking of not perfect things...
jesse was choked cuz she got locked in the little pen so some of the dogs could shop in the mp room. oka was choked cuz that little pen happens to be his private indoor space and he wanted back in. so oka proceeded to bang at the door, over and over again...we were chuckling at the rotti's determined persistence to become an effective battering ram.
we stopped chuckling pretty darn quick when with one final thrust he soared thru that door and right into the already disgruntled jaws of jesse who does not like other dogs, esp. ones trespassing into her space. the fight was on, mo got there first and shoved oka right back out the door....oka had a minor cut on his lip, jesse had nothing except a swaggering pride that she beat at least one intruder out of her room.
should i pretend it didn't happen? should i ignore the fact that even crippled old senior dogs can get into a fight? should i lie and say we were busy doing something more useful to prevent what happened than just laughing cuz we didn't think he could actually bang open that door?
why? because people might like us more if we pretended we were all better, nicer, smarter than we actually are?
but then they would be liking something that wasn't real.