5 am on a vacation day and i am already awake...maude woke me up at 4 am fussing and wanting god knows what. she is whining and pacing and calling for me so i go and get her and lift her up on my bed. she jumps down and wanders some more...what she wants is to go run and run and run in the field, it makes her feel that all is well as she burns off that excess energy...it is still dark and it is too early. it will drive the other dogs (and the neighbors) insane so she has to wait til renee gets here at nine which is a more reasonable time for dogs to be crazy.
i pulled oka into the kitchen so i could keep my eye on him..he quite likes his bed in here now. bet i can't kick him out again...once in the kitchen they never leave. no more seizure activity thus far...knock on wood cuz with all the stuff around here lately i do not want to be tempting fate.
i am feeling pretty crappy about jed right now...i know all the reasons for my decision in my head. he could just have as easily died the time that mugsy took offence to him and i would have felt just as shitty back then. but then is not now, and now for me sucks, and that's just the way that this whole decision making thing goes.
i am running scared now too. chyna goes in today. and i don't know what to do about coco...she is going back to her owners soon, once her recovery, spay and dental are complete...but i am not sure i can carry the responsibility of her anymore. as soon as her owners said they wanted her back and the emergency clinic said they couldn't stand by their surrender form...we were royally screwed and left holding the responsibility bag that contained one tiny chi. coco is not a saints dog...so why am i trying to treat her like she is? it is probably because i actually really care deeply for her and want to do our best...but that is neither here nor there anymore... coco is not our dog...coco needs to go home.... i am squirming this morning on that really painful responsibility hook stuck right in my chest. i can't be responsible right now for other peoples mistakes...i have enough of my own to worry about. i don't think i can or want to carry the worry and burden of coco-puff anymore, she is not one of the saints....except inside of me where it doesn't count... she is one of our saints.
sucks to be scared, sucks to be doubtful, sucks to be regretful, sucks to be in rescue....pretty much it sucks to be me.
maybe i deserve all the bad karma i get. maybe i am totally wrong about myself and totally suck as a human being...that's the rub you know....messed up people are like messed up dogs, they simply don't know how messed up they really are....what if i am a total and freaking huge mess and that's why my karma is so horribly bad?
i think i worry too much...i'd rather just be innocently and cluelessly stupid.