i was sleeping but woke up with another bad dream and can't get back to sleep again...this time it was a "deliverence" kind of nightmare...with all these extra weird pretending to be good people who wanted to get their hooks in me. freaked me out, i am not going back to bed for awhile.
where are the days when i had ceased to dream?...i had almost 2 full years of dream-free, i was more alone and not as well known back then. funny that i slept better when i was more lonely.
lately i have been thinking about road-blocks and the word "but".
"but" can be a good or bad word....i want to...whatever (usually help more animals)...."but"...can keep me on this side of sanity. or but can be a bad word that stops me from moving forward or doing as much as i can. "but" can be a good excuse for lazy or selfish or useless pretend dreaming.
i used to be so good at erecting road blocks..."if" was such a magic word...if "if" would only happen, all things were possible.
if my husband was not such a jerk...i would open an animal sanctuary.... if i just had some money, win the lottery, find an animal loving sponsor, ...if, if, if...i could build the dream.....but, but, but....wouldn't let me.
one day the roadblocks fell down...for 10 years they stood there safely blocking my way and suddenly they were gone. and my husband was an ex but i still had no money, no sponsor, no lottery win. weird.
what changed? i think one day i finally cared more about making the dream a reality than i did about him or me...or maybe, really, i started caring about us both for a change.
of course there are downsides to making dreams come true...you pay the price for a life without roadblocks, for riding into the sunset in very high speed. your health suffers somedays and at times your sanity gets a bit rocky too. you have bad dreams at night of weird people trying to harness you for their own personal gain and use.
this week i have been not feeling great and i managed a couple of hours most days of rest in the hide-away suite. i have been asleep at night by 7 or 8 pm and awake again at midnight for a few hours cuz i am just not used to falling asleep so early...in the morning i will again be scrambling awake at the last minute when the first of the troops arrive. it is a sucking way to wake up, all in a panicked rush.
i think if i had left my roadblocks alone and let them block me from finding and building a dream...i would have been healthier, more rested, less under sometimes stress and seige....but i wouldn't have been happy. i wouldn't have been interestedly and yes proudly wondering....how far exactly in the right direction can this dream go?
without roadblocks, you just never know...maybe the road in good productive dreaming never really ends...now what is over that next bump in the road...hmmmm?...maybe when i get my freaking van fixed, i will see.