if there are kids reading this...don't, just skip today.
Carol · Jan. 17, 2009
i am all fucked up in my head tonight and don't want to watch what i say.
the very hardest thing about private rescue is...this is your gig babe. you signed on for whatever, whenever, however, forever and ever.... no matter what any of that means. and you signed on that dotted line with your name alone in the blood of the ones you said you would care for....it is a very big deal.
so today i had a freaking melt down because i rely on lady luck. and there is no doubt that lady luck has been very, very good to us...but that is just not enough. so today i get up for work and i deal with wolfie and zues, and i take a quick burn around to make sure everyone has enough water and food to last a couple of hours til the troops get here. i left home at 6:30 this morning. the troops couldn't all come today because unlike me, they actually have private commitments and lives.
i figure this all out as i am on my way home at noon with a simple phone call. the melt down begins because i KNOW the kittens and the caged cats did not have enough food and water to last very long. stupid, stupid, stupid...why the fuck did i not take some extra time and just fill everyone up? they can wait til i get home to have their beds changed, they can wait til i am around to pick up a mop, they can wait for a bit of attention...they cannot wait for a drink and a bowlful of food.
so i am sick inside cuz i know there are animals looking into empty food and water bowls. and i am pissed because i did not know in advance who was coming here today and who was not. and i am absolutely enraged at myself that after this happened a few months ago, i did not think of the one very simple answer and make it an unbreakable daily routine.....fill up their god damn freaking food and water bowls before i leave.
simple solution, no big deal, won't take more than an hour (there are alot of bowls in alot of different places) and i can squeeze in an hour in the morning if it gives them and me some security....everything else can wait...i have all night if need be.
mo and nicole said we need to have a sign up sheet so we know when folks are coming and maybe that is a good idea....but shit happens, kids get sick at the last minute, cars won't start, pets die, people fall and break their ankles...anything can happen that stops folks intending to get here from reaching their actual goal.
and i am cringing inside because i don't ever want what i have created to become a burden to someone else. i don't want people to feel like they have to come no matter what because we will fall apart if they don't.
there is such a fine line between needing some help and becoming a ball and a chain. just the thought of being that kind of burden makes me want to run and hide in shame.
i am hiding tonight...eva offered to come and help me finish up with the stuff. i called her back and asked her not to come. i am crying tonight because i feel pathetic and weak...i must be PMS'ing to be such an emotional wreck. the stuff that is left is easy for me to flip thru...the back room cats, the laundry, the feeding and meds and then a quick brush up on all of the rest.
so what is my problem? i am. my fear. the ghosts of FF and pahrump, forever watching and never leaving me in peace.
for all i berate others for living in fantasy...i have my own fairy tales that i have carefully crafted and created..and today is one of those days where the holes in my dream stare at me like the holes in swiss cheese.
part of being good in rescue, is the ability to self evaluate. you better not expect of others what you are afraid to expect of yourself.
i let some of the saints animals down today because i tried to off load some of my responsibilty...i made assumptions based on how everything always manages to work out, one way or another.
and it did work out ok today too...carrie popped by and saw the kittens and mom had no food. she fed the felv cats while i cleaned them up and helped me with the rabbits too. nicole fed the saskatchewan cats and took over a pre-booked tour from me. lynn made it here and took care of the dog rooms and i fed the rest of the caged guys so all that is left tonight is the cleaning of the back cat rooms...everyone survived.
but what if one day it doesn't work out that way? that is what is fucking me up.
the caged animals are vulnerable...they can't wander down the hall to look for a different bowl. the barn guys are vulnerable, they can't let themselves out of their locked stalls.
it is the burden of responsibility that is messing me up and really...my own prideful thing too...i can't afford financially or mentally not to work. and i can't afford to hire for saints 7 days a week. i can't expect everyone else to pick up my excess load every single time i need and i don't want saints to become a burden ever to anyone but me.
so i am all weepy and weird because i just realized i let my expectations of what i can do here grow bigger than the reality.
i built saints because i wanted to build saints. i want to live this life because i love it, but not at the expense of the animals trusting in me.
i have fucked this whole thing up and i did what i said i would never do...let saints get bigger than me. today was a warning and i better get my head out of you know where and pay attention.
i need to fix this and really soon.